Monday, January 05, 2004
And so begins a new year. I rang in the New Year by jetting off to visit friends in another city. After being cooped up in this hole for far too long and getting more and more stressed out by life, it was really nice to reconnect with old friends, feel the rhythm of a different city, and just live differently for a while. Nothing glamorous, just lots of dinners out and drinks and such. Quiet and calm, the way the Good Old Days are often compacted into one succinctly sweet memory. And this was my first foray into the world as a Single Girl In Training. I boarded the plane nervously--flying the friendly skies can be so daunting: what if I get stuck next to some jabbermouth who smells like onions? What if I need to pee while the "fasten seatbelt" sign is on? What if I sit next to a total Hottie and find out halfway there that I have a huge booger hanging from my nose? So I buried my head in my book and feigned indifference. An older businessman-type sat in the aisle seat, leaving the seat between us open, and for just about the first time in my life, it actually remained that way. We put down the empty seat's tray table and used it to balance our drinks and peanuts while we quietly but intently read our Very Interesting Material. I arrived at my destination without having spoken to any nice looking men (boys, guys, oy--what is a hip Sasster like me supposed to call them?). All the better, I mean the purpose of the trip wasn't really to pick anyone up, after all. I needed the time to get out of my own head and put that crap behind me, right?
All my friends are gay. OK, not all of them. I adore everything about them, of course, but it hadn't occurred to me that I would begin to feel so conspicuously single and HORNY in a roomful of men who couldn't care less if I flirted with them. I suppose it's good practice, though.
I shouldn't talk about it as if my entire trip was spent searching for Henry HotnReady, because that's just not so. I had a fantastic time. I stayed out late and didn't have to worry about how early the kids would wake me. I watched a grown man play a video game without ever once shouting swear words and throwing the controller down in a fit of rage. He even let me walk between him and the TV to get to the bathroom without asking permission each time. When we prepared to go, nobody sat outside the bathroom door saying, "How much longer?" We waited for a table at a restaurant without exasperatedly sighing and noting the deformities and physical failings of passersby. In other words, I got a glimpse of what my life was like Before X. Back when I knew what "normal" really meant.
But NORMAL doesn't make for interesting reading, Sassy. Sex. Sex is interesting. Sassy's not getting laid these days, but that doesn't mean she doesn't THINK about sex, right? On my final night there, my host had mercy on me and called a mutual friend to come have drinks with us. Actually, he called many friends, but he made a point to call Frank (do I really have to mention that that's not his real name?). Back In The Day, Frank and I had a hot little tryst going for a brief period of time. He had already graduated and left town, but came back to visit mutual friends a couple of times. And it was Very Good. Unfortunately, Frank was also engaged. I was unclear on the details at the time and chose to not ask questions because I was immature and lonely, so it is entirely possible that he wasn't actually engaged at the time that our "friendship" started, but that's really wishful thinking. Frank had a reputation for being a party boy. These days, he's got a Real Job, and a Real Girlfriend (engaged now, I'm told), and rarely "parties" like we all did back then. But Ben called him anyway, and then artfully changed our "plans" to accommodate his participation. Strange--why would Ben do that, if for no other reason than to give me the opportunity to flirt with a straight boy and feel better about myself? So Frank shows up, looking as HOT as ever, dammit. I thought I was SOOO over that, but the second I looked him in the face I got all melty and fluttery. [Internal dialog: STUPID WENCH! Leave that boy alone, he's spoken for!] He gave me a nice warm hug [ah, YES!], "You look great, Sassy." [twitter] and sat down next to me on the couch while we watched a couple of videos and chatted. Have you ever sat so close to a TV screen that the static starts making your hair stand up and you feel all tingly? I couldn't sit still next to him on that tiny couch! He spread his knees way apart and knocked into me a few times, let his legs rub up against me... it was TORTURE, because we were never ONCE alone, and I was beginning to get the idea of what might happen if we WERE. [OMG, is he TOUCHING ME?? MORE MORE!!] We walked to the bar and met the other group of folks and proceeded to chat and laugh it up. He sat next to me and continued to bump my legs under the table. [OK, that was NOT an accident.] He'd clasp my shoulder or touch my arm or leg while he talked, and I flirted right back. [OK buddy, TAKE ME HOME!] But in the end, we both knew it was just for fun because his FIANCE [oh cruel, cruel fate!] was back at home recovering from dental surgery. BTDT, not going to play into that hellstorm. When the night was through and we parted ways, he stopped and hugged me again, closer and much longer than your standard, "Have a good trip!" hug, with one hand in my hair... [SWOON, I wonder if anyone would notice if I bit his neck... DAMN he smells good.]
I suppose I could be a cynic and say life is cruel. I can't have him, even if I were ready to do it. Honestly, I'm not sure if I could really DATE him, knowing his past of cheating and partying. But damn he made me weak in the knees. And I haven't felt that way in YEARS--it's like being 14 all over again! So I am thankful. I think I'll just focus on that for a while... Sassy's gettin' her groove back.
All my friends are gay. OK, not all of them. I adore everything about them, of course, but it hadn't occurred to me that I would begin to feel so conspicuously single and HORNY in a roomful of men who couldn't care less if I flirted with them. I suppose it's good practice, though.
I shouldn't talk about it as if my entire trip was spent searching for Henry HotnReady, because that's just not so. I had a fantastic time. I stayed out late and didn't have to worry about how early the kids would wake me. I watched a grown man play a video game without ever once shouting swear words and throwing the controller down in a fit of rage. He even let me walk between him and the TV to get to the bathroom without asking permission each time. When we prepared to go, nobody sat outside the bathroom door saying, "How much longer?" We waited for a table at a restaurant without exasperatedly sighing and noting the deformities and physical failings of passersby. In other words, I got a glimpse of what my life was like Before X. Back when I knew what "normal" really meant.
But NORMAL doesn't make for interesting reading, Sassy. Sex. Sex is interesting. Sassy's not getting laid these days, but that doesn't mean she doesn't THINK about sex, right? On my final night there, my host had mercy on me and called a mutual friend to come have drinks with us. Actually, he called many friends, but he made a point to call Frank (do I really have to mention that that's not his real name?). Back In The Day, Frank and I had a hot little tryst going for a brief period of time. He had already graduated and left town, but came back to visit mutual friends a couple of times. And it was Very Good. Unfortunately, Frank was also engaged. I was unclear on the details at the time and chose to not ask questions because I was immature and lonely, so it is entirely possible that he wasn't actually engaged at the time that our "friendship" started, but that's really wishful thinking. Frank had a reputation for being a party boy. These days, he's got a Real Job, and a Real Girlfriend (engaged now, I'm told), and rarely "parties" like we all did back then. But Ben called him anyway, and then artfully changed our "plans" to accommodate his participation. Strange--why would Ben do that, if for no other reason than to give me the opportunity to flirt with a straight boy and feel better about myself? So Frank shows up, looking as HOT as ever, dammit. I thought I was SOOO over that, but the second I looked him in the face I got all melty and fluttery. [Internal dialog: STUPID WENCH! Leave that boy alone, he's spoken for!] He gave me a nice warm hug [ah, YES!], "You look great, Sassy." [twitter] and sat down next to me on the couch while we watched a couple of videos and chatted. Have you ever sat so close to a TV screen that the static starts making your hair stand up and you feel all tingly? I couldn't sit still next to him on that tiny couch! He spread his knees way apart and knocked into me a few times, let his legs rub up against me... it was TORTURE, because we were never ONCE alone, and I was beginning to get the idea of what might happen if we WERE. [OMG, is he TOUCHING ME?? MORE MORE!!] We walked to the bar and met the other group of folks and proceeded to chat and laugh it up. He sat next to me and continued to bump my legs under the table. [OK, that was NOT an accident.] He'd clasp my shoulder or touch my arm or leg while he talked, and I flirted right back. [OK buddy, TAKE ME HOME!] But in the end, we both knew it was just for fun because his FIANCE [oh cruel, cruel fate!] was back at home recovering from dental surgery. BTDT, not going to play into that hellstorm. When the night was through and we parted ways, he stopped and hugged me again, closer and much longer than your standard, "Have a good trip!" hug, with one hand in my hair... [SWOON, I wonder if anyone would notice if I bit his neck... DAMN he smells good.]
I suppose I could be a cynic and say life is cruel. I can't have him, even if I were ready to do it. Honestly, I'm not sure if I could really DATE him, knowing his past of cheating and partying. But damn he made me weak in the knees. And I haven't felt that way in YEARS--it's like being 14 all over again! So I am thankful. I think I'll just focus on that for a while... Sassy's gettin' her groove back.
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