Saturday, January 31, 2004
He's a Jack-in-the box. You know--you turn the crank and listen to the music, and "POP!!" he comes shooting out of the box. You jump, startled, and laugh. Push him back in, and turn the crank again. Even though you know exactly when the "POP!" is coming, you jump anyway. Over and over again, and it still startles you Every. Time.
Jan. 16th: our rent check bounced. That has never happened before--ouch! Landlord calls, is very understanding and cool about it, and requested an additional $25 to cover his bank's fee. No big deal. At the end of the week, I got paid, and his mom sent a check, so I deposited them and then mailed the new check to the landlord. On the 27th, he came home from work, stopped and threw a toy at the dogs' crates (very violently, I might add) and stomped off to his room. When he didn't immediately return, I began to wonder what could possibly be wrong. I logged onto the bank account to see why. The rent check bounced. Again. Why? Because the bank only cleared $100 from each of the checks I deposited and was holding the remainder--until the day after the rent check was presented, of course. Very frustrating stuff, but what can you do?? He stayed in his room until I put the kids in bed, then stomped out and informed me that we were going to have a serious talk after "Angel" was over. [er, if it's that serious, why not just talk about it now? Oops, I forgot, life revolves around STBX and TV, and nothing else!!] I was sick as a dog: tired, weak, and terribly nauseous. So I laid on the couch and watched TV, and when it was done, he turned to me and began his narrative:
Apparently I am the cause of all his problems. I have absolutely no personal responsibility and everyone would be happier if I would do more for them. Things didn't really go south until I got uppity and started going to school full time. He has spoken to his friends about our problems, and they all agree that I'm a freeloading bitch who needs to work harder to pull my own weight. He was quite angry about the bounced check, and blamed it completely on me because I had the nerve to refill my Paxil prescription. See, Prince Responsible had skipped refilling HIS prescription because we were running low in the bank account, and it was really SELFISH of me to have gotten mine. The script costs us $30. Pricey, but it could be worse, right? And that $30 keeps me sane enough not to take a kitchen knife to his fetid, kvetching ass on a daily basis. I might even be convinced that yes, this WAS a selfish act, had it not been for the discovery I'd made while checking on the bounced check. That same day, he had 2 other charges clear: one $24.99 charge for Match.com and one $32 charge at a restaurant (he had a DATE). So all the preaching and name-calling in the world wasn't going to work up a bit of guilt on my part. He tried to claim he'd only been on one single date in the past month. I didn't miss a beat: "Lie." He was incredulous--he was lying of course, but clearly didn't want to pursue that line of questioning any longer. Later he insisted that after checking the bank account, he had "only" spent $250 last month on bars and dating, how dare I be upset by that??
After I had caught him lying, and refused to roll over to his idiotic ranting, things were really heating up. Many obscenities were used. I really REALLY wanted to get up because he had this "power" thing over me--I was lying on the couch and he was standing over me yelling. But I was afraid my change in position would be taken as a threat, and I was seriously afraid he'd react physically. I chose not to push him in that manner. He stood over me at one point, and just... well, breathed. Sounds pretty tame, but trust me: it was petrifying. He just stood completely motionless for about 45 seconds (an eternity of silence) just breathing very purposefully, staring me down. He drew in a deep breath and said, "I. Am. SO. Angry." I knew at that moment that he could be easily provoked and I just lay there waiting for it to pass. He stomped off and said we'd talk more later.
Later was about 30 minutes later. He insisted that I take care of the bank problem, because clearly, it was MY fault. He also put the divorce legwork in my lap because clearly, that's my fault as well, and "Things CANNOT continue this way." He informed me that I had to quit school because bouncing rent checks was unacceptable.
Yes, let's review: I quit school THE FIRST TIME to work full time and put him through grad school. I quit working full time to raise our kids because neither of us earned more than the cost of daycare. In between, over the past 9 years, EVERY TIME he became unemployed (and that's far more times that I care to remember), I got a job and worked again until he was employed again. Daycare for 2 kids costs $950 a month. At the time I quit my full time job the last time, I was earning $1450/month. Because I never worked for more than a few months at a time, my jobs were never "careers", they were JOBS. My "career" developed at his whim. Yes, I did it voluntarily: because I felt it was best for the FAMILY. So when I started school again this time, the idea was to finally be able to develop a REAL CAREER. With both kids in school, daycare costs wouldn't be an issue. Then all hell broke lose and I realized that the real career was really going to be to support myself. And now that he wants out of the marriage, he thinks he shouldn't be responsible for supporting me while I finish. Now we're not talking about med school, after all: I graduate in 4 months. This is unbearably long in terms of co-habitation, but ridiculous to consider forcing me to QUIT.
I informed him that if he wanted me to quit school, I'd get a lawyer and ask for alimony. More very tense moments.
He was so angry about the bounced check, that he cancelled a bunch of subscriptions to pinch pennies (no, apparently he's not ready to give up liquor or dating, just HBO and Netflix). He has been a Complete Ass all week. Stomping around, only opening his mouth to bitch or scream. When I came home from work yesterday, DD informed me that "Daddy said a new cuss word today." A new one?? He's already taught them everything there is!! She refused to tell me, claiming she couldn't remember it exactly anyway. It seems he had some computer failure of some sort that caused him to lose a considerable amount of work, and his reaction was predictably violent. I want so badly to leave.
So imagine my surprise when as I'm getting ready for bed, he gets dressed and calls a cab to bring him to a bar downtown. He left at 10:30pm, and returned at 3:30am. Of course I had to be at work at 9am, so I had to decide whether to bring the kids to work with me or leave them at home with him in whatever condition he was in. He got up as I was finishing my morning routine, and was wearing his Happy Joy Joy Mask. He's got the routine down, at least. He goes out late, drinks way too much, sleeps in a little bit, and once he's awake, realizes that any indication of a hangover will be noted and resented by me. So rather than "show any weakness", he supercharges the charm (I wonder if he thinks I really buy that act?). He's Happy Fun Dad for the day. Of course the stress of keeping up this act when he's that miserable gets to him, and by the end of the day he either needs to go out drinking again or he explodes into a rage over the stupidest little thing. If I were a betting kind of gal (and I am), I'd put my money on his drinking again tonight.
So why does this surprise me?? Why? I can see it coming every time, and every time, I'm shocked that he'd actually chose drinking (alone, most of the time) over staying home after all we've been through. I'm surprised. And I'll be surprised if he goes out tonight, too. But I shouldn't be, not one little bit.
Jan. 16th: our rent check bounced. That has never happened before--ouch! Landlord calls, is very understanding and cool about it, and requested an additional $25 to cover his bank's fee. No big deal. At the end of the week, I got paid, and his mom sent a check, so I deposited them and then mailed the new check to the landlord. On the 27th, he came home from work, stopped and threw a toy at the dogs' crates (very violently, I might add) and stomped off to his room. When he didn't immediately return, I began to wonder what could possibly be wrong. I logged onto the bank account to see why. The rent check bounced. Again. Why? Because the bank only cleared $100 from each of the checks I deposited and was holding the remainder--until the day after the rent check was presented, of course. Very frustrating stuff, but what can you do?? He stayed in his room until I put the kids in bed, then stomped out and informed me that we were going to have a serious talk after "Angel" was over. [er, if it's that serious, why not just talk about it now? Oops, I forgot, life revolves around STBX and TV, and nothing else!!] I was sick as a dog: tired, weak, and terribly nauseous. So I laid on the couch and watched TV, and when it was done, he turned to me and began his narrative:
Apparently I am the cause of all his problems. I have absolutely no personal responsibility and everyone would be happier if I would do more for them. Things didn't really go south until I got uppity and started going to school full time. He has spoken to his friends about our problems, and they all agree that I'm a freeloading bitch who needs to work harder to pull my own weight. He was quite angry about the bounced check, and blamed it completely on me because I had the nerve to refill my Paxil prescription. See, Prince Responsible had skipped refilling HIS prescription because we were running low in the bank account, and it was really SELFISH of me to have gotten mine. The script costs us $30. Pricey, but it could be worse, right? And that $30 keeps me sane enough not to take a kitchen knife to his fetid, kvetching ass on a daily basis. I might even be convinced that yes, this WAS a selfish act, had it not been for the discovery I'd made while checking on the bounced check. That same day, he had 2 other charges clear: one $24.99 charge for Match.com and one $32 charge at a restaurant (he had a DATE). So all the preaching and name-calling in the world wasn't going to work up a bit of guilt on my part. He tried to claim he'd only been on one single date in the past month. I didn't miss a beat: "Lie." He was incredulous--he was lying of course, but clearly didn't want to pursue that line of questioning any longer. Later he insisted that after checking the bank account, he had "only" spent $250 last month on bars and dating, how dare I be upset by that??
After I had caught him lying, and refused to roll over to his idiotic ranting, things were really heating up. Many obscenities were used. I really REALLY wanted to get up because he had this "power" thing over me--I was lying on the couch and he was standing over me yelling. But I was afraid my change in position would be taken as a threat, and I was seriously afraid he'd react physically. I chose not to push him in that manner. He stood over me at one point, and just... well, breathed. Sounds pretty tame, but trust me: it was petrifying. He just stood completely motionless for about 45 seconds (an eternity of silence) just breathing very purposefully, staring me down. He drew in a deep breath and said, "I. Am. SO. Angry." I knew at that moment that he could be easily provoked and I just lay there waiting for it to pass. He stomped off and said we'd talk more later.
Later was about 30 minutes later. He insisted that I take care of the bank problem, because clearly, it was MY fault. He also put the divorce legwork in my lap because clearly, that's my fault as well, and "Things CANNOT continue this way." He informed me that I had to quit school because bouncing rent checks was unacceptable.
Yes, let's review: I quit school THE FIRST TIME to work full time and put him through grad school. I quit working full time to raise our kids because neither of us earned more than the cost of daycare. In between, over the past 9 years, EVERY TIME he became unemployed (and that's far more times that I care to remember), I got a job and worked again until he was employed again. Daycare for 2 kids costs $950 a month. At the time I quit my full time job the last time, I was earning $1450/month. Because I never worked for more than a few months at a time, my jobs were never "careers", they were JOBS. My "career" developed at his whim. Yes, I did it voluntarily: because I felt it was best for the FAMILY. So when I started school again this time, the idea was to finally be able to develop a REAL CAREER. With both kids in school, daycare costs wouldn't be an issue. Then all hell broke lose and I realized that the real career was really going to be to support myself. And now that he wants out of the marriage, he thinks he shouldn't be responsible for supporting me while I finish. Now we're not talking about med school, after all: I graduate in 4 months. This is unbearably long in terms of co-habitation, but ridiculous to consider forcing me to QUIT.
I informed him that if he wanted me to quit school, I'd get a lawyer and ask for alimony. More very tense moments.
He was so angry about the bounced check, that he cancelled a bunch of subscriptions to pinch pennies (no, apparently he's not ready to give up liquor or dating, just HBO and Netflix). He has been a Complete Ass all week. Stomping around, only opening his mouth to bitch or scream. When I came home from work yesterday, DD informed me that "Daddy said a new cuss word today." A new one?? He's already taught them everything there is!! She refused to tell me, claiming she couldn't remember it exactly anyway. It seems he had some computer failure of some sort that caused him to lose a considerable amount of work, and his reaction was predictably violent. I want so badly to leave.
So imagine my surprise when as I'm getting ready for bed, he gets dressed and calls a cab to bring him to a bar downtown. He left at 10:30pm, and returned at 3:30am. Of course I had to be at work at 9am, so I had to decide whether to bring the kids to work with me or leave them at home with him in whatever condition he was in. He got up as I was finishing my morning routine, and was wearing his Happy Joy Joy Mask. He's got the routine down, at least. He goes out late, drinks way too much, sleeps in a little bit, and once he's awake, realizes that any indication of a hangover will be noted and resented by me. So rather than "show any weakness", he supercharges the charm (I wonder if he thinks I really buy that act?). He's Happy Fun Dad for the day. Of course the stress of keeping up this act when he's that miserable gets to him, and by the end of the day he either needs to go out drinking again or he explodes into a rage over the stupidest little thing. If I were a betting kind of gal (and I am), I'd put my money on his drinking again tonight.
So why does this surprise me?? Why? I can see it coming every time, and every time, I'm shocked that he'd actually chose drinking (alone, most of the time) over staying home after all we've been through. I'm surprised. And I'll be surprised if he goes out tonight, too. But I shouldn't be, not one little bit.
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