Friday, January 16, 2004
So STBX calls me at work last weekend to inform me that my 3 year old nearly burnt down the house. This is amusing to him. It seems he decided to take a shower and leave the kids to fend for themselves for a bit (I was due to be home only 2 hours later, why couldn't he wait/?). N decided to pop himself a bag of popcorn. It was probably in for about 8 minutes before it caught fire. STBX just had to call and let me know because he was so proud--"I didn't even yell at N once. I handled it so well!"
There is no point in illustrating to him all the poor choices that lead to this incident. Everything is always someone else's fault, you know.
A later addition:
Is this what going crazy feels like? Why is it the more counseling I get, the more crazy I feel? I was in denial about STBX's alcoholism, his anger problems, his verbal abuse. This I know. I was in denial about the effect those things were having on me and my kids. I know. But if I was able to justify and rationalize such disturbing things so readily in the past, who's to say I'm not doing it now about something else? I have lost my ability to trust my instincts. What if I'm the one who's crazy?? What if, instead of him being narcissistic and delusional, *I'm* the one altering reality? I mean, how would you know if you were doing such a thing?
When I tell friends or "professionals" of the things STBX has done/is doing, the universal response is that they believe he is unstable and I am in danger. But I don't feel like I'm in danger. It feels... unstable, wrong... but not DANGEROUS. Am I in denial? Am I an idiot? Have I twisted reality in a way that gives them the wrong impression? When one person expresses fear for your safety, it's easy to write it off as them being overprotective, or mislead in some way. But when it happens over and over and OVER again, I have to listen. So I'm hearing it, but it's not registering--he has never been violent. He doesn't hit anyone, he doesn't break things or brandish weapons at us. So what is it that he has to do before I can finally say that he has crossed the line?? I can't explain what my hesitation is.
My counselor has suggested several times that emergency shelter is an option for me. I want to crawl in a hole and die at the very suggestion. Emergency shelter is for women who are being beaten. Women with bruises and broken bones. Women featured on Lifetime Network and afterschool specials. Not me. "There's a whole city full of women out there who need it more than I do." I told her. "Everybody says that." she responded. "The ones who need it the most are saying that."
And yet I have a hard time believing that I'm really in imminent danger. I really could be--maybe I'm too stupid or "brainwashed" (as she put it) to recognize it. I pointed out that he isn't violent. Sure, he's told me that when he's in a rage, it takes "every ounce of control" he has to resist the urge to physically lash out. He's said things like, "I'm going to throw that kid through the window." or "I could bash your head in." See, in writing now, looking at the words, I think, "Jesus Christ, what a fucking MONSTER." But if you accused him of verbal abuse with these threats, he'd roll his eyes and say, "You KNOW that's not what I *meant*." or "I was just blowing off steam.". Or, in a particular moment of contrition, he might offer a heartfelt, "I know, I really need help."
He has said things like, "This whole world is shit. We are living in HELL." or "Everything in my life is horrible. The only thing good in my whole world is my family." So what then would a man who thinks this way feel about divorcing? It seemed to be his idea, he seems to be gung ho about it, eager to get out and live like a bachelor again. He's dating, pretending to already be single... He missed work again today. Between vacation, holidays, and "sick" days, he's missed 10 of the last 20 work days. He's drinking pretty much every chance he gets. He's lying to me and his mom about where he's going, how much he drinks. He's spending tons of money. His mom told me she was afraid he's headed for "a nervous breakdown". He's circling the drain. And what's going to happen when he hits bottom?
I suggested to my counselor that I really didn't believe he'd hurt me or the kids. Maybe I just don't WANT to believe that--it's just too horrible to actually BELIEVE. Really, I insisted, if he snapped, I know there's no way to predict what he'd really DO, but honestly, I think he's much more likely to kill himself than anyone else. She didn't bat an eye (I'm beginning to wonder what kinds of stories she hears every day) and said that he has all the indicators consistent with the kind of person who would kill himself, yes, but he also has all the indicators of the kind of person who would take his family with him when he does.
So we're back to the idea of emergency shelter--she seemed to think they would just open the doors for me if I asked. But I still hesitate. The truth is, when I try to think of all the things that would drive him to snap, the one thing I know would do it would be for me to leave him in favor of an emergency shelter. With the kids. Yes, without a doubt, such a move would be the Ultimate Humiliation to him. He could NOT just let me do that. He absolutely WOULD be driven to react in some way. So I'm stuck: live with a guy who could snap and hurt me or my kids. Or leave and cause him to snap.
I still think sticking it out with the plan we've discussed--living together until I graduate or am able to work full time is the best way out. This way I can keep up the pretense that this divorce is about differing priorities or growing apart, not escaping abuse. This way we get away clean. I hope.
There is no point in illustrating to him all the poor choices that lead to this incident. Everything is always someone else's fault, you know.
A later addition:
Is this what going crazy feels like? Why is it the more counseling I get, the more crazy I feel? I was in denial about STBX's alcoholism, his anger problems, his verbal abuse. This I know. I was in denial about the effect those things were having on me and my kids. I know. But if I was able to justify and rationalize such disturbing things so readily in the past, who's to say I'm not doing it now about something else? I have lost my ability to trust my instincts. What if I'm the one who's crazy?? What if, instead of him being narcissistic and delusional, *I'm* the one altering reality? I mean, how would you know if you were doing such a thing?
When I tell friends or "professionals" of the things STBX has done/is doing, the universal response is that they believe he is unstable and I am in danger. But I don't feel like I'm in danger. It feels... unstable, wrong... but not DANGEROUS. Am I in denial? Am I an idiot? Have I twisted reality in a way that gives them the wrong impression? When one person expresses fear for your safety, it's easy to write it off as them being overprotective, or mislead in some way. But when it happens over and over and OVER again, I have to listen. So I'm hearing it, but it's not registering--he has never been violent. He doesn't hit anyone, he doesn't break things or brandish weapons at us. So what is it that he has to do before I can finally say that he has crossed the line?? I can't explain what my hesitation is.
My counselor has suggested several times that emergency shelter is an option for me. I want to crawl in a hole and die at the very suggestion. Emergency shelter is for women who are being beaten. Women with bruises and broken bones. Women featured on Lifetime Network and afterschool specials. Not me. "There's a whole city full of women out there who need it more than I do." I told her. "Everybody says that." she responded. "The ones who need it the most are saying that."
And yet I have a hard time believing that I'm really in imminent danger. I really could be--maybe I'm too stupid or "brainwashed" (as she put it) to recognize it. I pointed out that he isn't violent. Sure, he's told me that when he's in a rage, it takes "every ounce of control" he has to resist the urge to physically lash out. He's said things like, "I'm going to throw that kid through the window." or "I could bash your head in." See, in writing now, looking at the words, I think, "Jesus Christ, what a fucking MONSTER." But if you accused him of verbal abuse with these threats, he'd roll his eyes and say, "You KNOW that's not what I *meant*." or "I was just blowing off steam.". Or, in a particular moment of contrition, he might offer a heartfelt, "I know, I really need help."
He has said things like, "This whole world is shit. We are living in HELL." or "Everything in my life is horrible. The only thing good in my whole world is my family." So what then would a man who thinks this way feel about divorcing? It seemed to be his idea, he seems to be gung ho about it, eager to get out and live like a bachelor again. He's dating, pretending to already be single... He missed work again today. Between vacation, holidays, and "sick" days, he's missed 10 of the last 20 work days. He's drinking pretty much every chance he gets. He's lying to me and his mom about where he's going, how much he drinks. He's spending tons of money. His mom told me she was afraid he's headed for "a nervous breakdown". He's circling the drain. And what's going to happen when he hits bottom?
I suggested to my counselor that I really didn't believe he'd hurt me or the kids. Maybe I just don't WANT to believe that--it's just too horrible to actually BELIEVE. Really, I insisted, if he snapped, I know there's no way to predict what he'd really DO, but honestly, I think he's much more likely to kill himself than anyone else. She didn't bat an eye (I'm beginning to wonder what kinds of stories she hears every day) and said that he has all the indicators consistent with the kind of person who would kill himself, yes, but he also has all the indicators of the kind of person who would take his family with him when he does.
So we're back to the idea of emergency shelter--she seemed to think they would just open the doors for me if I asked. But I still hesitate. The truth is, when I try to think of all the things that would drive him to snap, the one thing I know would do it would be for me to leave him in favor of an emergency shelter. With the kids. Yes, without a doubt, such a move would be the Ultimate Humiliation to him. He could NOT just let me do that. He absolutely WOULD be driven to react in some way. So I'm stuck: live with a guy who could snap and hurt me or my kids. Or leave and cause him to snap.
I still think sticking it out with the plan we've discussed--living together until I graduate or am able to work full time is the best way out. This way I can keep up the pretense that this divorce is about differing priorities or growing apart, not escaping abuse. This way we get away clean. I hope.
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