Saturday, March 20, 2004
Visiting my parents for the first time in years... the nostalgia is overwhelming. And this is the first time I've been here in 10 years without STBX, and it's so refreshing to be able to sit down and relax, and not be constantly tending to his every need and whim, begging him to relax and keep him entertained. The further away I get from him, the more I have to wonder WTF I was thinking. Have I been drugged for the past decade??
I'm sitting at the computer in the very spot where my bed used to sit. No, there's no childhood bedroom to return to, they didn't keep it up as a shrine to my greatness. Instead, I slept on a mattress on the basement floor in front of the TV--the very spot where I lost my virginity (which was not a happy memory). One would think I'd be adrift in a sea of melancholy regret, feeling old and lost. But for some reason it's nice to relive it from this side of the timeline, and just know it's over. As much as I love my family, and as much as it humors me to see them doing the same things they did 15 years ago (the mass of laundry in front of the washer, the dirty towels in the back of the hallway, the junk drawer crammed with things they could never possibly need...), it's good to see it all and know that I don't really belong here. I don't want to belong here. And that has nothing to do with disliking them or their ways... it's just different and separate from me. And I'm perfectly OK with that. I'm really glad to be here and be assured that my decision to move elsewhere was the right one.
Of course it helps that I'm obviously rebounding from a serious hormonal dip that had me really depressed this past week (err, gee, didja notice that?)... I'm morphing into Pollyanna for the time being, but I'll be back to normal soon.
I'm sitting at the computer in the very spot where my bed used to sit. No, there's no childhood bedroom to return to, they didn't keep it up as a shrine to my greatness. Instead, I slept on a mattress on the basement floor in front of the TV--the very spot where I lost my virginity (which was not a happy memory). One would think I'd be adrift in a sea of melancholy regret, feeling old and lost. But for some reason it's nice to relive it from this side of the timeline, and just know it's over. As much as I love my family, and as much as it humors me to see them doing the same things they did 15 years ago (the mass of laundry in front of the washer, the dirty towels in the back of the hallway, the junk drawer crammed with things they could never possibly need...), it's good to see it all and know that I don't really belong here. I don't want to belong here. And that has nothing to do with disliking them or their ways... it's just different and separate from me. And I'm perfectly OK with that. I'm really glad to be here and be assured that my decision to move elsewhere was the right one.
Of course it helps that I'm obviously rebounding from a serious hormonal dip that had me really depressed this past week (err, gee, didja notice that?)... I'm morphing into Pollyanna for the time being, but I'll be back to normal soon.
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