Sassy's Up Late Again

I have stopped questioning why I fell in love so quickly. I have considered the possibility that it's just a rebound-effect, or an addiction to the attention because we've both been so starved emotionally. And while it's certainly possible (if not obviously FACTUAL), I know that there's a lot more to it than that. I've "rebounded" before. I've had mind-blowing sex before. I've had boyfriends with high levels of desire before. And none of it felt like this. Maybe it's because I'm older. Maybe it's because I'm emotionally worn out. Maybe it's a lot of things, but I honestly do love him. I can spend hours just looking at the perfect package he's wrapped up in, but it's not the physical part of him that is so compelling. We connect. I've known him for 2 months and we finish each other's sentences. He can take one look at me and know if I'm worried or sad or happy or just lost in thought. It sounds stupid, but honestly, he's just about everything Shitfoot should have been for me. He talks about moving here to be with me, and then hangs his head in frustration knowing that it's all so damned fast that it sounds crazy. He jokes about having me move in with him, getting married, raising my kids... jokes because those are things he really wants but knows he shouldn't ask for them yet. We sat in a bar last night, people watching, having a beer, and I was laughing at a joke he'd just made, he watched me laughing with awe in his eyes and he said, "I'm joking, but I'll say it anyway." "What?" "Marry me?"

If nothing else, I will always love him for reawakening this part of me. I was sure I'd never feel like this again. I was sure I'd remain cynical and calculating, holding people at arm's length for fear of getting hurt. Instead I have opened myself up completely to someone who was sure he'd never feel love again, too.

Earlier this week he called me from his workplace saying his boss had bought some beer and they'd been sitting around drinking, and implied he was about to drive home. I F*R*E*A*K*E*D out on him. It was resolved without incident, but we discussed it last night, and I told him, quite frankly how I felt. "I am not trying to threaten you or control you. HOWEVER... I have had enough trouble with alcohol in my life. I will not welcome it any longer. You drink as much as or as often as you want, I have no interest in monitoring it for you. I drink, too. I enjoy it. And I don't expect you or anyone else to quit just because someone I know treated me poorly because of alcohol. But if you ever get arrested for DUI--this weekend, next month, 20 years from now, EVER, I promise you I will never speak to you again. I let Shitfoot explain away, rationalize and justify his first DUI, and that was the first BIG MISTAKE I made that led me down that crappy road and I will NEVER do it again. I will not survive doing it again. It will be easier to leave a man I desperately love than to stay and watch him do what Shitfoot has done to us." I had a knot in my throat by the time I had finished. He sighed quietly, looked very sad for a second, squeezed my hand and nodded.