Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Long Time No Blog. Bad Sassy. Sorry to worry those of you who like to keep tabs on me via the net. I'm still alive, still doing fine, no disasters or tragedies to speak of. I worked a double shift on Sunday, Mother's Day, much to my chagrin. My DD bought me a bouquet of pink roses, which are only half as beautiful as she is, of course. And naturally, Shitfoot had to mention, when she told me she picked them out all by herself, that "ACTUALLY, she just beat me to it--I SAW them first." Memo to Shitfoot: Your faithful attendance in the Supreme Asshole Leadership Seminars has been paying off. You'll be King of All Assholes in no time.
I was a bit depressed for having only gotten to spend about 15 minutes with my kids on Mother's Day. It's just a day, though, right? They made me cute little craft projects. DD made a pot of flowers out of construction paper, and DS painted a picture with finger paints, making a butterfly out of his handprints. Exactly the cute type of stuff that gets stuck up on the refrigerator for months at a time.
I had a date with Rusty on Monday night. Yes, a Monday night date. We couldn't get together on the weekend, and we're like a couple of crack addicts dying for another 5 minutes with the pipe. [Memo to Sassy: Please refrain from referring to new boyfriend as a crack pipe.] I had begun to worry that perhaps our 2nd meeting would not be as fiery and magnetic as the first, perhaps the sizzle would wear off, perhaps now that we've shared all our intimate secrets and flaws over the phone, we'll see each other in a less idyllic light. But the sparks flew yet again. Ever the gentleman, he offered to go "someplace" to have a drink and talk before deciding if we really want to get a room or not (yes, it had been discussed that frankly, which is both unsettling and refreshing). I said, "Honey we can talk in the room, can't we?"
[Must pause a moment: getting goosebumps and butterflies recalling details that followed...]
Good. It was Very very VERY good. And yes, we DID actually talk. About a lot of stuff. I don't understand how we can be so natural and comfortable with each other so quickly, but I have decided to stop questioning it and just enjoy it. That man looks at me like he sees something beautiful, why would I want to put a stop to that? When he touches me, he gets a look on his face like he must be the luckiest man alive, and it melts me like butter in a hot pan.
I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating the nature of love. Is there a timetable for falling in love? Can you fall in love at first sight? Is it "real love" if it happens that quickly? Can it last? Would it be so bad to love and have it end? Does it really MATTER if it lasts forever? I've loved a lot of men in my lifetime. OK, not a lot. A few. More than one. And obviously, I've survived losing them. Each one taught me something about myself, how strong I can be... would I walk away from the opportunity to strengthen myself again, now that I've been beaten up by life yet again? When I started dating, I did it because I wanted to experience new things and broaden my horizons again. Returning to school has changed my life immensely, almost exclusively for the better, and it was high time I continued that trend. And so I arrive here with a New Boyfriend. One with lots of complications, as humans tend to have. But one who seems to think the best of me, one who sees more in me than I have in a very long time. He isn't afraid to talk about the future in positive terms, in uncertain terms, but also in hopeful terms as well. I need that in my life. He is so many things that Shitfoot is not... centered, accepting, admiring, sensitive, empathetic and caring. When I am sitting here listening to Shitfoot curse under his breath, sounding like he is about to hurl something at the nearest person or turn rabid over some trivial inconvenience, I think of Rusty, and I know there's a better, clearer, cleaner world outside of this house (this marriage), and I'm ready to live in it. How can I not be in love with a man who wants so badly to show it to me? Yes, I have to stop fighting it: I do believe I am falling in love.
I was a bit depressed for having only gotten to spend about 15 minutes with my kids on Mother's Day. It's just a day, though, right? They made me cute little craft projects. DD made a pot of flowers out of construction paper, and DS painted a picture with finger paints, making a butterfly out of his handprints. Exactly the cute type of stuff that gets stuck up on the refrigerator for months at a time.
I had a date with Rusty on Monday night. Yes, a Monday night date. We couldn't get together on the weekend, and we're like a couple of crack addicts dying for another 5 minutes with the pipe. [Memo to Sassy: Please refrain from referring to new boyfriend as a crack pipe.] I had begun to worry that perhaps our 2nd meeting would not be as fiery and magnetic as the first, perhaps the sizzle would wear off, perhaps now that we've shared all our intimate secrets and flaws over the phone, we'll see each other in a less idyllic light. But the sparks flew yet again. Ever the gentleman, he offered to go "someplace" to have a drink and talk before deciding if we really want to get a room or not (yes, it had been discussed that frankly, which is both unsettling and refreshing). I said, "Honey we can talk in the room, can't we?"
[Must pause a moment: getting goosebumps and butterflies recalling details that followed...]
Good. It was Very very VERY good. And yes, we DID actually talk. About a lot of stuff. I don't understand how we can be so natural and comfortable with each other so quickly, but I have decided to stop questioning it and just enjoy it. That man looks at me like he sees something beautiful, why would I want to put a stop to that? When he touches me, he gets a look on his face like he must be the luckiest man alive, and it melts me like butter in a hot pan.
I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating the nature of love. Is there a timetable for falling in love? Can you fall in love at first sight? Is it "real love" if it happens that quickly? Can it last? Would it be so bad to love and have it end? Does it really MATTER if it lasts forever? I've loved a lot of men in my lifetime. OK, not a lot. A few. More than one. And obviously, I've survived losing them. Each one taught me something about myself, how strong I can be... would I walk away from the opportunity to strengthen myself again, now that I've been beaten up by life yet again? When I started dating, I did it because I wanted to experience new things and broaden my horizons again. Returning to school has changed my life immensely, almost exclusively for the better, and it was high time I continued that trend. And so I arrive here with a New Boyfriend. One with lots of complications, as humans tend to have. But one who seems to think the best of me, one who sees more in me than I have in a very long time. He isn't afraid to talk about the future in positive terms, in uncertain terms, but also in hopeful terms as well. I need that in my life. He is so many things that Shitfoot is not... centered, accepting, admiring, sensitive, empathetic and caring. When I am sitting here listening to Shitfoot curse under his breath, sounding like he is about to hurl something at the nearest person or turn rabid over some trivial inconvenience, I think of Rusty, and I know there's a better, clearer, cleaner world outside of this house (this marriage), and I'm ready to live in it. How can I not be in love with a man who wants so badly to show it to me? Yes, I have to stop fighting it: I do believe I am falling in love.
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