Monday, June 07, 2004
It seems that with every day that passes, my relationship with Rusty is cemented just a little more. I can't even say how or why, it just does. I grow more and more comfortable with him, with the pace of it all, with the notion of being with him "forever". OK, see, I'm not completely comfortable, or I wouldn't have needed quotes around that word. But it occurred to me last night as we were good-bye-ing that I have stopped flinching when he does something nice for me. I've stopped worrying that it's all part of some game to dupe me into doing something or believing something I shouldn't. I've stopped wondering if he's all roses and sunshine to me and telling his friends what a stupid little slut I am. I've stopped worrying every time he gets quiet that he's trying to think of an excuse to dump me. I've stopped worrying that every bump in the road is a sign that it's over.
My kids think he's "awesome". They were wound up and misbehaving when we took them to dinner last night, and crawling all over my last nerve. Naturally, Rusty was graceful under pressure and didn't show a sign of weakness. Substitute Shitfoot in his place, and the dinner would have been completely miserable, with much yelling and namecalling, arguing, threats, etc. We'd have come home all angry with each other. If he hadn't told me later that DS was starting to get on his nerves (trust me, DS was getting on half the restaurant's nerves), I would have never guessed. He remained polite and friendly the whole time. As we left the restaurant, I held DS's hand, and tried to adjust my purse and keyes in the other so I could hold DD's, too, but she didn't reach out for it, so I just continued with DS to the car, with DD and Rusty behind us. Later, Rusty told me she held HIS hand instead. I can't recall the exact context or conversation now, but Shitfoot informed me that while talking with DS about Rusty, DS accidentally referred to Rusty as "my dad". "Talk about a kick in the balls." I reassured him it was simply a word mistake, and not any confusion about the roles they play. He knows that, but I expect him to play that "Poor Me" card as often as possible, so I doubt I'll hear the end of it any time soon.
On the job-search front: I went back to my Very Old Job and begged to pick up some hours. Anything for just a little cash flow, right? In the meantime, i have a ton of phone calls to make to coordinate assistance, graduation requirements, job placement assistance from school... I really just want to crawl back in bed and pretend this was all a dream...
My kids think he's "awesome". They were wound up and misbehaving when we took them to dinner last night, and crawling all over my last nerve. Naturally, Rusty was graceful under pressure and didn't show a sign of weakness. Substitute Shitfoot in his place, and the dinner would have been completely miserable, with much yelling and namecalling, arguing, threats, etc. We'd have come home all angry with each other. If he hadn't told me later that DS was starting to get on his nerves (trust me, DS was getting on half the restaurant's nerves), I would have never guessed. He remained polite and friendly the whole time. As we left the restaurant, I held DS's hand, and tried to adjust my purse and keyes in the other so I could hold DD's, too, but she didn't reach out for it, so I just continued with DS to the car, with DD and Rusty behind us. Later, Rusty told me she held HIS hand instead. I can't recall the exact context or conversation now, but Shitfoot informed me that while talking with DS about Rusty, DS accidentally referred to Rusty as "my dad". "Talk about a kick in the balls." I reassured him it was simply a word mistake, and not any confusion about the roles they play. He knows that, but I expect him to play that "Poor Me" card as often as possible, so I doubt I'll hear the end of it any time soon.
On the job-search front: I went back to my Very Old Job and begged to pick up some hours. Anything for just a little cash flow, right? In the meantime, i have a ton of phone calls to make to coordinate assistance, graduation requirements, job placement assistance from school... I really just want to crawl back in bed and pretend this was all a dream...
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