Saturday, July 31, 2004
Ah, another wonderfully refreshing evening with Rusty. He had been so depressed, so stressed out and anxious for the past couple of weeks, I was beginning to wonder if we had much of a future together. Don't get me wrong: I adore him. I love him. I think he's the bomb. But it's very difficult to "be there" for a person you love when they won't "be there" for themselves, especially when it's an ongoing problem. I completely understand why he's been so stressed, but it's still hard to keep approaching him with a positive frame of mind when he's always so full of doom and gloom. I began to analyze why I felt so strongly the need to pamper and rescue him... on the one hand, it's a natural reaction to want to help when a person you love is in distress, but on the other, I'm still in a very self-reflective time in my life, when I have been faced with monstrous decisions and feel the need to map out the reasons why I'm inclined to make certain decisions in order to assure myself that I'm doing the right thing. So is it OK to want to rescue him, or is it an unhealthy pattern with me? Would we have much of a relationship if I were actually successful and he became healthy?? Why am I attracted to men who struggle with mental health/emotional stability issues? I suppose it could be argued that it's simply that common, but still... the man is seriously depressed. Suicidal ideations kind of depressed. Giving up on everything except breathing kind of depressed. It is distressing to witness, and I've struggled to get him to face the illness, to recognize the symptoms and re-evaluate the depressive thinking once he can identify it.
When I offered to drive up to visit last night after the kids were in bed, he was noncommittal. "Whatever you want." Fuck that shit. Don't tell me that bullshit--if I didn't want it, I wouldn't have even brought it up, so "whatever you want" sounds more to me like, "I don't really want to be the bad guy and say no, so instead I'll say 'whatever' and let you make the call. That way I can quietly resent your interference in my life and let it fester until I dump you if you choose to come, or you can quietly resent my distancing myself until you dump me." Some poking at him resulted in him claiming that he would like the company. So before I left work, I bought a couple of bags full of basic groceries and household cleaning stuff for him, and then that evening, headed up to see him. He worked late, so I got to his place before he did, and waited on the steps for him for about 10 minutes before he showed up. I could hear his car and radio coming around the corner, and as he got closer, I could hear him singing along. He gathered some things before stepping out of the car, and my heart just patter-pattered. How can he look so damned sexy like that? Just jeans and a polo, working late, glasses (I swear he's the only person I know that actually looks even freaking hotter with glasses on)... He approached me on the stairs and stopped to look at me, "You look amazing..." I honestly can't recall anyone ever saying such a thing to me. Not even on my wedding day (LOL)... I pulled him in for a kiss and the fire was there all over again. All the week's stress, all the anxiety, all the critical self-analysis just dissolved away to reveal the red hot fire underneath. He held me tight for a second and then saw the grocery bags. I had joked I might do that for him, so he knew what it was. "You're spoiling me, you know..." We carried in the groceries and got stuff put away, trying hard to have a civil conversation instead of clawing each other's clothes off in a primal explosion of lust. "You look so good, I really ought to take you out..." he contemplated, but it was agreed that we both needed to conserve money and chose instead to rent a couple movies and spend the evening in. We chose 2 comedies, and settled in on the couch together. Naturally about halfway through the movie, it wasn't really being watched anymore and the clothes were scattered all over the floor. There were no complaints to be aired about that, either. The last time I had visited, I didn't feel we had really connected in any meaningful way--he was distant and quiet, closed off from me. I was afraid that might become a permanent state of being. I was quite glad to be proven wrong about that. And now, back at home, back to my "normal" life, I find that I miss him more than ever, and the prospect of leaving him frightens and upsets me. I wish he could understand how beautiful and comforting it was to fall asleep with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair, or how happy it made me to simply know he was sleeping there next to me in the dark. Jesus, listen to me! Hormonal much?
When I offered to drive up to visit last night after the kids were in bed, he was noncommittal. "Whatever you want." Fuck that shit. Don't tell me that bullshit--if I didn't want it, I wouldn't have even brought it up, so "whatever you want" sounds more to me like, "I don't really want to be the bad guy and say no, so instead I'll say 'whatever' and let you make the call. That way I can quietly resent your interference in my life and let it fester until I dump you if you choose to come, or you can quietly resent my distancing myself until you dump me." Some poking at him resulted in him claiming that he would like the company. So before I left work, I bought a couple of bags full of basic groceries and household cleaning stuff for him, and then that evening, headed up to see him. He worked late, so I got to his place before he did, and waited on the steps for him for about 10 minutes before he showed up. I could hear his car and radio coming around the corner, and as he got closer, I could hear him singing along. He gathered some things before stepping out of the car, and my heart just patter-pattered. How can he look so damned sexy like that? Just jeans and a polo, working late, glasses (I swear he's the only person I know that actually looks even freaking hotter with glasses on)... He approached me on the stairs and stopped to look at me, "You look amazing..." I honestly can't recall anyone ever saying such a thing to me. Not even on my wedding day (LOL)... I pulled him in for a kiss and the fire was there all over again. All the week's stress, all the anxiety, all the critical self-analysis just dissolved away to reveal the red hot fire underneath. He held me tight for a second and then saw the grocery bags. I had joked I might do that for him, so he knew what it was. "You're spoiling me, you know..." We carried in the groceries and got stuff put away, trying hard to have a civil conversation instead of clawing each other's clothes off in a primal explosion of lust. "You look so good, I really ought to take you out..." he contemplated, but it was agreed that we both needed to conserve money and chose instead to rent a couple movies and spend the evening in. We chose 2 comedies, and settled in on the couch together. Naturally about halfway through the movie, it wasn't really being watched anymore and the clothes were scattered all over the floor. There were no complaints to be aired about that, either. The last time I had visited, I didn't feel we had really connected in any meaningful way--he was distant and quiet, closed off from me. I was afraid that might become a permanent state of being. I was quite glad to be proven wrong about that. And now, back at home, back to my "normal" life, I find that I miss him more than ever, and the prospect of leaving him frightens and upsets me. I wish he could understand how beautiful and comforting it was to fall asleep with my head in his lap while he stroked my hair, or how happy it made me to simply know he was sleeping there next to me in the dark. Jesus, listen to me! Hormonal much?
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