Saturday, July 24, 2004
Let's play Armchair Psychiatrist for a moment... We'll use a hypothetical couple--any resemblance to actual couples is purely coincidental. Frank and Jenny are dating. They are compatible in all the critical areas, but the relationship is not yet in full bloom. Jenny thinks Frank is All That. He's gorgeous, he treats her well, they have fun together, the sex is great, she is getting all the love and attention she craves. She is happy. Frank thinks Jenny is All That, too. In fact, Frank fears she may be more than just All That. Frank thinks Jenny is too good for him. He thinks she is way out of his league.
Here's the question: assuming Frank has a perfectly healthy ego, and has no mental health issues (depression, for example), what would you expect Frank to do about this relationship? Is there a difference between how each gender would react? From my own female perspective, I would think that a perfectly healthy woman who found herself in a happy relationship with someone she felt was better than she had expected for herself, that she would see that fact as positive, and it would enhance her self-esteem. She would be loathe to let go of the relationship, and should it fall on hard times, she would work to save it. Naturally, I assume that men would operate in the same manner.
Of course nobody has a perfectly healthy ego, and the vast majority of people have untreated mental health issues. Frank is depressed. The issue of whether or not Jenny is out of his league is moot: his perception of himself is warped. He sees himself as much worse than he really is, and would likely see himself as unworthy of any potential mate. Frank's depressive reaction is to push Jenny away and attempt to abandon the relationship.
Naturally this isn't a completely hypothetical couple. It is an amalgam of several relationships I've had over the past (gasp) 18 years. A definite, identifiable pattern, and one I sincerely hope to break. Is the solution to stop dating men who are depressed? Stop dating men who are prone to depression? Stop dating altogether?? I don't believe for a nanosecond that I am actually "too good" for any of the men I've dated (even the shitheads I am glad to be rid of in retrospect). I don't buy that line, and that's not my own warped self-esteem talking, either. It's painful to be treated that way, repeatedly, by people I love deeply. It's hard to understand how someone can say they love you and then come to the conclusion that they don't want to be with you. I can't even fathom the concept of whether or not I deserve to be with someone. Who am I to make that sort of distinction? I don't deserve to be with ANYONE. I want it. And if two people want the same thing, isn't it a simple conclusion that they should do it? Sure, life is more complicated than that, but I keep getting dumped in order to allow me to find someone better. This is as logical as stopping at the police station and asking for a speeding ticket, a seller refusing a bid on his home because it's too high, or failing a student for scoring too high on a test.
My self-esteem sucks, I know this. So why is it I'm not the one saying, "Oh poor me, you're too good for me. I don't deserve you. I need to let you go so you can find someone better before I poison your life with my horribleness." I suspect it's because this line has no basis in fact. And I don't just mean that I'm not out of anybody's "league". I mean the men who have fed me this line knew when they said it that it was complete bullshit, but they thought it was the best way to get out of the relationship without being the bad guy who dumped me. Their way of "letting me down easy". It makes me paranoid to learn the truth about the real reasons they've decided not to be with me.
For the record, no, Rusty hasn't dumped me, nor am I considering breaking it off with him. But he's started fidgeting and murmuring those familiar lines, and it could very well head that way if left untreated, and that just pisses me off.
Here's the question: assuming Frank has a perfectly healthy ego, and has no mental health issues (depression, for example), what would you expect Frank to do about this relationship? Is there a difference between how each gender would react? From my own female perspective, I would think that a perfectly healthy woman who found herself in a happy relationship with someone she felt was better than she had expected for herself, that she would see that fact as positive, and it would enhance her self-esteem. She would be loathe to let go of the relationship, and should it fall on hard times, she would work to save it. Naturally, I assume that men would operate in the same manner.
Of course nobody has a perfectly healthy ego, and the vast majority of people have untreated mental health issues. Frank is depressed. The issue of whether or not Jenny is out of his league is moot: his perception of himself is warped. He sees himself as much worse than he really is, and would likely see himself as unworthy of any potential mate. Frank's depressive reaction is to push Jenny away and attempt to abandon the relationship.
Naturally this isn't a completely hypothetical couple. It is an amalgam of several relationships I've had over the past (gasp) 18 years. A definite, identifiable pattern, and one I sincerely hope to break. Is the solution to stop dating men who are depressed? Stop dating men who are prone to depression? Stop dating altogether?? I don't believe for a nanosecond that I am actually "too good" for any of the men I've dated (even the shitheads I am glad to be rid of in retrospect). I don't buy that line, and that's not my own warped self-esteem talking, either. It's painful to be treated that way, repeatedly, by people I love deeply. It's hard to understand how someone can say they love you and then come to the conclusion that they don't want to be with you. I can't even fathom the concept of whether or not I deserve to be with someone. Who am I to make that sort of distinction? I don't deserve to be with ANYONE. I want it. And if two people want the same thing, isn't it a simple conclusion that they should do it? Sure, life is more complicated than that, but I keep getting dumped in order to allow me to find someone better. This is as logical as stopping at the police station and asking for a speeding ticket, a seller refusing a bid on his home because it's too high, or failing a student for scoring too high on a test.
My self-esteem sucks, I know this. So why is it I'm not the one saying, "Oh poor me, you're too good for me. I don't deserve you. I need to let you go so you can find someone better before I poison your life with my horribleness." I suspect it's because this line has no basis in fact. And I don't just mean that I'm not out of anybody's "league". I mean the men who have fed me this line knew when they said it that it was complete bullshit, but they thought it was the best way to get out of the relationship without being the bad guy who dumped me. Their way of "letting me down easy". It makes me paranoid to learn the truth about the real reasons they've decided not to be with me.
For the record, no, Rusty hasn't dumped me, nor am I considering breaking it off with him. But he's started fidgeting and murmuring those familiar lines, and it could very well head that way if left untreated, and that just pisses me off.
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