Sunday, August 22, 2004
When I turned on my cell phone this morning, I got a voicemail from Rusty, timestamped 5:30am. He was on his way home, drunk. Driving. I had picked up the phone to call him and leave a voicemail saying I knew he wanted space and maybe it was better if we took some time off, but after hearing that, I was furious. So I called and said something like: "I just got your voicemail. I am so thoroughly disappointed in you--to know full well that you were "very drunk" and to drive anyway? We've discussed this before, and you know how I feel about it. You are aware of all that you risk losing when you do that, and well, it's yours to lose, I suppose. Listen, I know you're trying to get rid of me; you need your space. I think we both do. You don't want me around anymore--you rarely call, you can't bring yourself to ask me to spend time with you, you never say 'I love you' anymore. You think I don't notice these things? It hurts me, and I can't live like that all the time. When you're ready to act like you want me in your life, then give me a call. Until then, I guess, well, goodbye."
I expected it would be at least a couple hours til I heard from him, given that he had been up so late. But he called back about 10 minutes later, deeply upset. Not raving mad; wounded. "I'm so, so sorry I hurt you." We had a long, tearful discussion. He claims that the only time in his life that he is truly happy is when he's with his daughter or when he's with me. "Can't you tell that?"
"No, I can't. You're quiet. You don't want to do anything. You don't talk to me anymore. What am I supposed to think?" He claims he wants to keep this as honest a relationship as possible, and perhaps he's "shared" too much by mentioning every time he's looked at other women or by having "veg time" with me. I don't mind seeing every little detail about "the real him", I think that's good, actually. But I need a little reassurance now and then, you know? I can deal with him being quiet and grumpy as long as I know it's not about me.
The end result, as I understand it for now, anyway is, we acknowledge that our lives are pretty fucked up at the moment, and we should see other people, just to help us regain the feeling of freedom and control. That doesn't necessarily mean it will happen that way, as neither of us are willing to walk away from this relationship, and neither of us have the time or money to cultivate new ones. We both want to keep this relationship alive, and he will try to be more attentive to my needs. We'll see how that goes.
I expected it would be at least a couple hours til I heard from him, given that he had been up so late. But he called back about 10 minutes later, deeply upset. Not raving mad; wounded. "I'm so, so sorry I hurt you." We had a long, tearful discussion. He claims that the only time in his life that he is truly happy is when he's with his daughter or when he's with me. "Can't you tell that?"
"No, I can't. You're quiet. You don't want to do anything. You don't talk to me anymore. What am I supposed to think?" He claims he wants to keep this as honest a relationship as possible, and perhaps he's "shared" too much by mentioning every time he's looked at other women or by having "veg time" with me. I don't mind seeing every little detail about "the real him", I think that's good, actually. But I need a little reassurance now and then, you know? I can deal with him being quiet and grumpy as long as I know it's not about me.
The end result, as I understand it for now, anyway is, we acknowledge that our lives are pretty fucked up at the moment, and we should see other people, just to help us regain the feeling of freedom and control. That doesn't necessarily mean it will happen that way, as neither of us are willing to walk away from this relationship, and neither of us have the time or money to cultivate new ones. We both want to keep this relationship alive, and he will try to be more attentive to my needs. We'll see how that goes.
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