Sunday, October 10, 2004
For starters, do I really have to mention that I'm not stupid enough to believe that just because a guy does the dishes once, that life will be all pancakes and butterflies for the rest of our perfect little lives? My point was so much more than that. I want to make sure that my friends know that while I have been emotionally tumultuous and unsteady, and not thoroughly insane.
That said, this weekend was bliss. A much needed oasis of warmth and comfort. Ironic, since the majority of the time I had off was due to the stomach bug I was battling--probably would have simply made me feel a bit green for a day or so under normal circumstances, but combine it with morning sickness, exhaustion, and stress... I was puking every time I drew too deep a breath. So having Rusty prop my feet up and insist I sit and leaf through a magazine while he did the dishes was soul healing. And to have it for 2 solid days? Orgasmic. It was a very important weekend. Aside from the important decision ahead of us and the hours upon hours of discussions we've had about it, we had a great time with the kids, letting them warm up to him being around for more than just a few minutes, sitting at the dinner table together... It warmed my heart to hear my 3 year old ask him to play Gamecube games with him, and see how eagerly Rusty responded. [Rusty told me later that every time DS began to lose a game, he'd reset it. Shitfoot would be horrified and angry at such a thing, calling him a cheater or a sore loser or some nonsense. Instead, Rusty was amused by his ingenuity and perserverance.]
On Saturday night, DD asked me to come cuddle with her for a bit when I tucked her in. We laid there talking about random things that 6 year olds think about, when she asked me, "Mom, which comes first, a wedding or a baby?" Mind you, we have not told her about my pregnancy, nor have we had any discussions about marriage while she was in the house. I was taken aback. "Well, normally, the wedding comes first. That's the best way for it to happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen that way, though." I asked her why she was thinking about babies and weddings, and she could only reply that she hadn't been able to figure out which comes first.
Hours and hours of discussions have not brought us any closer to a final decision. I am much more comfortable with the idea of having this baby, and he is much more comfortable with the idea of terminating. And still no good compromise. First thing, I have to see a "real" doctor and have some questions answered about the various medications I took while I had no idea I was pregnant. I am seriously concerned about the damage they may have done. If there were a way to know for sure, terminating would no longer be such a difficult thing for either of us to face.
As it would happen, I qualified for medical insurance from Kroger last week. Have I received a shred of paperwork about it, though? Of fucking course not. It would be far too convenient to have an insurance card in my hand and be able to call a doctor and get in to be evaluated. No, even that has to be rife with red tape and obstacles.
Going to try to sleep now, missing my man now that he's gone, feeling much more connected to him, much more empty without him.
That said, this weekend was bliss. A much needed oasis of warmth and comfort. Ironic, since the majority of the time I had off was due to the stomach bug I was battling--probably would have simply made me feel a bit green for a day or so under normal circumstances, but combine it with morning sickness, exhaustion, and stress... I was puking every time I drew too deep a breath. So having Rusty prop my feet up and insist I sit and leaf through a magazine while he did the dishes was soul healing. And to have it for 2 solid days? Orgasmic. It was a very important weekend. Aside from the important decision ahead of us and the hours upon hours of discussions we've had about it, we had a great time with the kids, letting them warm up to him being around for more than just a few minutes, sitting at the dinner table together... It warmed my heart to hear my 3 year old ask him to play Gamecube games with him, and see how eagerly Rusty responded. [Rusty told me later that every time DS began to lose a game, he'd reset it. Shitfoot would be horrified and angry at such a thing, calling him a cheater or a sore loser or some nonsense. Instead, Rusty was amused by his ingenuity and perserverance.]
On Saturday night, DD asked me to come cuddle with her for a bit when I tucked her in. We laid there talking about random things that 6 year olds think about, when she asked me, "Mom, which comes first, a wedding or a baby?" Mind you, we have not told her about my pregnancy, nor have we had any discussions about marriage while she was in the house. I was taken aback. "Well, normally, the wedding comes first. That's the best way for it to happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen that way, though." I asked her why she was thinking about babies and weddings, and she could only reply that she hadn't been able to figure out which comes first.
Hours and hours of discussions have not brought us any closer to a final decision. I am much more comfortable with the idea of having this baby, and he is much more comfortable with the idea of terminating. And still no good compromise. First thing, I have to see a "real" doctor and have some questions answered about the various medications I took while I had no idea I was pregnant. I am seriously concerned about the damage they may have done. If there were a way to know for sure, terminating would no longer be such a difficult thing for either of us to face.
As it would happen, I qualified for medical insurance from Kroger last week. Have I received a shred of paperwork about it, though? Of fucking course not. It would be far too convenient to have an insurance card in my hand and be able to call a doctor and get in to be evaluated. No, even that has to be rife with red tape and obstacles.
Going to try to sleep now, missing my man now that he's gone, feeling much more connected to him, much more empty without him.
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