Thursday, January 06, 2005
Time for another installment of Mars vs. Venus. Today's lesson: Why Women Expect Men To Read Their Minds.
This is a concept I dealt with in my first marriage many, many times, and a theme I hear echoed in my friends' marriages. It's a critical miscommunication--well, I suspect it's more sinister than that. See, men complain that women expect them to read their minds, and women complain that their partners never seem to understand their needs and expectations. I have never known a woman to actually expect a man to read her mind. "Stop at the storrrre for millllk!!!!" I have also, unfortunately, never known a man to volunteer to take on any more responsibility than is absolutely necessary. Oh don't get all huffy and claim man-bashing. I'm not talking about the big stuff like adopting foster children and working 2 jobs, I talking about the little stuff. Take the following scenario, for example:
Woman [pouring milk into child's cereal bowl]: We need to get more milk tonight.
Man: OK.
What are the chances that either parent comes home with a gallon of milk? I'd say pretty darned slim. To most women, this brief exchange was actually a request for the MAN to buy the milk. Why? Because he works at a freaking grocery store, dummy.
To a man, this was a mysterious statement of fact having no impact on his life whatsoever. Why? Because women are supposed to do the grocery shopping, of course.
Ok, but seriously, the issues of mind reading that I've experienced were never that complicated: if you know your wife is at the grocery store and will be home soon, and especially if you know she's buying a lot of stuff, KEEP your FREAKIN' SHOES ON, your coat nearby, and be ready to charge out the door and carry stuff in when she gets home. She doesn't even expect you to help put it all away (though that's a nice bonus that will probably earn you some hanky panky later), just help carry it. Don't sit in front of the TV with your feet up watching her walk past you three times with arms loaded up with all she can carry before you ask between mouthfulls of Doritos (which fell out of a bag as she carried them in), "You need some help with that?" Because the answer is yes. Every time. Even when she says no. Especially when she says no. Come to think of it, even if you know she only went to get a pack of tampons, your ass better go jogging out to the car as she's pulling in, just to carry that box back in for her. Trust me, if she's buying tampons, you don't want to risk irritating her anyway.
When she asks you what you want for dinner, "I don't care." isn't an answer, it's a refusal to make a decision. She's asking to give you some power over the outcome. Trust me, if you want pizza and she doesn't, you're not getting pizza anyway.
A more complicated example, but a challenge I think most men can tackle: imagine if you will, your wife asks you if you want popcorn before you sit down to watch a movie together. You say yes. She takes 2 bags of popcorn out of the box and puts one in the microwave, fixes a couple of drinks, then leaves the room to go to the bathroom. When the popcorn is done, if you would like to get up out of your chair and retrieve the popcorn, feel free. You may even open it and start eating if you like. But before you return to your seat, open the other bag and put it in the microwave. And should you fail to start her popcorn for her, by all means, please refrain from complaining about having to wait for her to start the movie. Should you complain, you can count manually relieving your sexual tension by yourself.
Ever notice that at dinnertime, mom is wandering around the table and kitchen putting food on plates, cutting it up for the little kids, pouring drinks, etc? Please use your magical powers of observation: what you are seeing is a woman who cannot eat her own dinner until everyone else has already started--Mom is not a waitress. Even if she works at a restaurant and gets great tips doing it for a living, at home, a little pitching in would soften up the edges--and again, increase the likelyhood of your getting lucky. Here's a clue: if two children have just requested 2 different acts of assistance, why not step up and do one of them? You can cut spaghetti. You can get more napkins. You can even butter a slice of bread (I know, you're out of practice, but it doesn't have to be perfect.).
See, women don't expect you to read minds, they expect you to read your environment, identify what needs getting done, and then actually do it. Why? Because that's what we do every day. Imagine if every woman in America stopped cleaning up the breakrooms in offices across the country. How filthy would it have to get before a man cleaned it up? Unless you work with a man with obsessive-compulsive disorder, it would probably become a health hazard before a committee decided the only solution was to hire a girl to clean it.
This is a concept I dealt with in my first marriage many, many times, and a theme I hear echoed in my friends' marriages. It's a critical miscommunication--well, I suspect it's more sinister than that. See, men complain that women expect them to read their minds, and women complain that their partners never seem to understand their needs and expectations. I have never known a woman to actually expect a man to read her mind. "Stop at the storrrre for millllk!!!!" I have also, unfortunately, never known a man to volunteer to take on any more responsibility than is absolutely necessary. Oh don't get all huffy and claim man-bashing. I'm not talking about the big stuff like adopting foster children and working 2 jobs, I talking about the little stuff. Take the following scenario, for example:
Woman [pouring milk into child's cereal bowl]: We need to get more milk tonight.
Man: OK.
What are the chances that either parent comes home with a gallon of milk? I'd say pretty darned slim. To most women, this brief exchange was actually a request for the MAN to buy the milk. Why? Because he works at a freaking grocery store, dummy.
To a man, this was a mysterious statement of fact having no impact on his life whatsoever. Why? Because women are supposed to do the grocery shopping, of course.
Ok, but seriously, the issues of mind reading that I've experienced were never that complicated: if you know your wife is at the grocery store and will be home soon, and especially if you know she's buying a lot of stuff, KEEP your FREAKIN' SHOES ON, your coat nearby, and be ready to charge out the door and carry stuff in when she gets home. She doesn't even expect you to help put it all away (though that's a nice bonus that will probably earn you some hanky panky later), just help carry it. Don't sit in front of the TV with your feet up watching her walk past you three times with arms loaded up with all she can carry before you ask between mouthfulls of Doritos (which fell out of a bag as she carried them in), "You need some help with that?" Because the answer is yes. Every time. Even when she says no. Especially when she says no. Come to think of it, even if you know she only went to get a pack of tampons, your ass better go jogging out to the car as she's pulling in, just to carry that box back in for her. Trust me, if she's buying tampons, you don't want to risk irritating her anyway.
When she asks you what you want for dinner, "I don't care." isn't an answer, it's a refusal to make a decision. She's asking to give you some power over the outcome. Trust me, if you want pizza and she doesn't, you're not getting pizza anyway.
A more complicated example, but a challenge I think most men can tackle: imagine if you will, your wife asks you if you want popcorn before you sit down to watch a movie together. You say yes. She takes 2 bags of popcorn out of the box and puts one in the microwave, fixes a couple of drinks, then leaves the room to go to the bathroom. When the popcorn is done, if you would like to get up out of your chair and retrieve the popcorn, feel free. You may even open it and start eating if you like. But before you return to your seat, open the other bag and put it in the microwave. And should you fail to start her popcorn for her, by all means, please refrain from complaining about having to wait for her to start the movie. Should you complain, you can count manually relieving your sexual tension by yourself.
Ever notice that at dinnertime, mom is wandering around the table and kitchen putting food on plates, cutting it up for the little kids, pouring drinks, etc? Please use your magical powers of observation: what you are seeing is a woman who cannot eat her own dinner until everyone else has already started--Mom is not a waitress. Even if she works at a restaurant and gets great tips doing it for a living, at home, a little pitching in would soften up the edges--and again, increase the likelyhood of your getting lucky. Here's a clue: if two children have just requested 2 different acts of assistance, why not step up and do one of them? You can cut spaghetti. You can get more napkins. You can even butter a slice of bread (I know, you're out of practice, but it doesn't have to be perfect.).
See, women don't expect you to read minds, they expect you to read your environment, identify what needs getting done, and then actually do it. Why? Because that's what we do every day. Imagine if every woman in America stopped cleaning up the breakrooms in offices across the country. How filthy would it have to get before a man cleaned it up? Unless you work with a man with obsessive-compulsive disorder, it would probably become a health hazard before a committee decided the only solution was to hire a girl to clean it.
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