Monday, July 11, 2005
I've been thinking a lot over the past few days about my impending wedding. We have still not set a date, nor do we have any solid plans. Rusty hasn't pressed me on the issue--much. He'll occasionally blurt out, "Let's get married today." But he hasn't pressed me for a realistic timeline. I think he's waiting for me to be ready, which is understandable. So why am I not ready? I have plenty of reasons to be ready, and yet I can't quite articulate why I'm not ready. I guess it's because it's no one simple reason. Here are the reasons I can explain, as it is right now:
1) His depression still hasn't leveled out--I have this fear that it will only get worse, and I'll find myself married to a suicidal tornado that creates no better an environment than the one I left when I got divorced. Now, I realize that this isn't really a fair assessment. He's had some bad "downs", but he's nothing like Shitfoot was, and this fear doesn't come from a rational place--I haven't seen "signs" that he's headed in that direction. I think it's because I didn't see signs that Shitfoot was headed in that direction until I was kneedeep in it and it was far too late to get out easily. So how do I identify the threat now? Well, I think realistically, the truth is that I can't. But I'm afraid of it anyway. It's irrational, and I'm angry with myself over it. I have this fear of being shunned by what's left of my friends and family if this marriage falls apart because I've been stupid twice and married men who were bad for me. But get real, Sassy: this fear would exist even if I were considering marrying Jesus Christ, so it's time to get the fuck over it. Easier said than done.
2) We are on the skids, financially speaking--one thing is for sure, I can't expect things to get better just because we got married--in fact, it'd probably only get more complicated. I have such a deep need for security, and being out of work has really shaken me up. Add to that, the fact that his job has degraded into what can only be politely described as "unsatisfying". I know he only faces the daily grind in order to provide for us, and that's a lot of pressure on us both. I don't expect a man to support me; I don't want it. I need the feeling of at least a little control over my destiny. I need to be working. And he needs to have a job that doesn't exacerbate his depression. Tall order these days, isn't it?
3) I am afraid of having a wedding--bear with me, I know this is silly. First, at 7, DD's head is filled with the Fairy Princess image of a wedding, and I made the mistake of promising her that she would participate in whatever ceremony we had. She is expecting the big white dress and tons of flowers and a church full of onlookers. There is no way that is ever going to happen. First of all, I don't know a "church full" of people who give a damn enough to attend any ceremony of mine, much less a second wedding--most of my friends couldn't be bothered to attend my first one (I believe the entire attendance total was 18--granted it was supposed to be small, but how embarrassing is that??). Next, as stated before, we simply don't have the money for any fancy throw-down. It'd be a stretch to set aside $500 at this point. And sure, I'm ok with doing it "cheaply", but here's the thing: my life has been jam-packed with disappointing milestones, and I don't want this to be added to the list. WARNING: self-pitying whine ahead!! I don't recall a single event or day that was about ME. I never had a birthday party attended by anyone other than my immediate family. In classic "16 Candles" fashion, I found my 16th birthday cake in the garage freezer 2 days after my birthday. My mom had given me cash the week before so I could buy whatever I wanted, and that was the extent of the "Go Sassy". I never went to a school dance--no homecoming, no prom, not my own or anyone else's. I was not allowed to attend any graduation parties, and all of my friends had graduated a semester or 2 ahead of me in college, so there was no one to celebrate with. My 21st birthday was spent begging 3 of my friends to take me out drinking, then spending the rest of the evening trying to goad them into having fun until giving up and going home before midnight. There was no bridal shower or bachelorette party. My wedding, though intentionally small and cheap, lacked most of the things I had wanted to make it special--including the attendance of most of my friends (thank GOD Jessica was able to attend, or there'd have been none). Jessica and DR tried desperately to throw together a last-minute baby shower for me when I was home visiting before DD was born, and that's the closest to a party I'd ever had. Pathetic: Jessica, DR, my mom and my sister. Go Sassy. Instead of being moments filled with happy memories and carefree celebration, they are all reminders of how NOT special I am to most people. I have to find a way around this thinking--it's hurtful and it just drags me down. But see, Rusty is that special to me, and it just tears me up to think of ending our wedding day with that familiar sense of "Why Am I So Lame??" and hiding my disappointment from him. And I don't know what I can do to prevent it--I can't afford a lavish or even memorable ceremony and/or reception, and I can't make long-lost friends suddenly want to drive hours and hours to attend my wedding. I want that day to be as special to me as our relationship is--and I just don't think it's possible. So when he slyly suggests we sneak away one weekend and elope, it's tempting--at least I'd spend it with the one person who thinks it's as special as I do, but then there's that damned promise to DD, and I know how disappointed and angry she'd be over it. I owe her a nice frilly dress and flowers in her hair and nice photos and a big cake. And round and round it goes.
These are the things that make me want to get up and puke if I let it dwell in my head too long. I suppose the good thing is, the list used to be longer, but they've slowly resolved themselves. Hopefully that trend will continue.
1) His depression still hasn't leveled out--I have this fear that it will only get worse, and I'll find myself married to a suicidal tornado that creates no better an environment than the one I left when I got divorced. Now, I realize that this isn't really a fair assessment. He's had some bad "downs", but he's nothing like Shitfoot was, and this fear doesn't come from a rational place--I haven't seen "signs" that he's headed in that direction. I think it's because I didn't see signs that Shitfoot was headed in that direction until I was kneedeep in it and it was far too late to get out easily. So how do I identify the threat now? Well, I think realistically, the truth is that I can't. But I'm afraid of it anyway. It's irrational, and I'm angry with myself over it. I have this fear of being shunned by what's left of my friends and family if this marriage falls apart because I've been stupid twice and married men who were bad for me. But get real, Sassy: this fear would exist even if I were considering marrying Jesus Christ, so it's time to get the fuck over it. Easier said than done.
2) We are on the skids, financially speaking--one thing is for sure, I can't expect things to get better just because we got married--in fact, it'd probably only get more complicated. I have such a deep need for security, and being out of work has really shaken me up. Add to that, the fact that his job has degraded into what can only be politely described as "unsatisfying". I know he only faces the daily grind in order to provide for us, and that's a lot of pressure on us both. I don't expect a man to support me; I don't want it. I need the feeling of at least a little control over my destiny. I need to be working. And he needs to have a job that doesn't exacerbate his depression. Tall order these days, isn't it?
3) I am afraid of having a wedding--bear with me, I know this is silly. First, at 7, DD's head is filled with the Fairy Princess image of a wedding, and I made the mistake of promising her that she would participate in whatever ceremony we had. She is expecting the big white dress and tons of flowers and a church full of onlookers. There is no way that is ever going to happen. First of all, I don't know a "church full" of people who give a damn enough to attend any ceremony of mine, much less a second wedding--most of my friends couldn't be bothered to attend my first one (I believe the entire attendance total was 18--granted it was supposed to be small, but how embarrassing is that??). Next, as stated before, we simply don't have the money for any fancy throw-down. It'd be a stretch to set aside $500 at this point. And sure, I'm ok with doing it "cheaply", but here's the thing: my life has been jam-packed with disappointing milestones, and I don't want this to be added to the list. WARNING: self-pitying whine ahead!! I don't recall a single event or day that was about ME. I never had a birthday party attended by anyone other than my immediate family. In classic "16 Candles" fashion, I found my 16th birthday cake in the garage freezer 2 days after my birthday. My mom had given me cash the week before so I could buy whatever I wanted, and that was the extent of the "Go Sassy". I never went to a school dance--no homecoming, no prom, not my own or anyone else's. I was not allowed to attend any graduation parties, and all of my friends had graduated a semester or 2 ahead of me in college, so there was no one to celebrate with. My 21st birthday was spent begging 3 of my friends to take me out drinking, then spending the rest of the evening trying to goad them into having fun until giving up and going home before midnight. There was no bridal shower or bachelorette party. My wedding, though intentionally small and cheap, lacked most of the things I had wanted to make it special--including the attendance of most of my friends (thank GOD Jessica was able to attend, or there'd have been none). Jessica and DR tried desperately to throw together a last-minute baby shower for me when I was home visiting before DD was born, and that's the closest to a party I'd ever had. Pathetic: Jessica, DR, my mom and my sister. Go Sassy. Instead of being moments filled with happy memories and carefree celebration, they are all reminders of how NOT special I am to most people. I have to find a way around this thinking--it's hurtful and it just drags me down. But see, Rusty is that special to me, and it just tears me up to think of ending our wedding day with that familiar sense of "Why Am I So Lame??" and hiding my disappointment from him. And I don't know what I can do to prevent it--I can't afford a lavish or even memorable ceremony and/or reception, and I can't make long-lost friends suddenly want to drive hours and hours to attend my wedding. I want that day to be as special to me as our relationship is--and I just don't think it's possible. So when he slyly suggests we sneak away one weekend and elope, it's tempting--at least I'd spend it with the one person who thinks it's as special as I do, but then there's that damned promise to DD, and I know how disappointed and angry she'd be over it. I owe her a nice frilly dress and flowers in her hair and nice photos and a big cake. And round and round it goes.
These are the things that make me want to get up and puke if I let it dwell in my head too long. I suppose the good thing is, the list used to be longer, but they've slowly resolved themselves. Hopefully that trend will continue.
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