Friday, March 24, 2006
I was wandering through my bedtime routine last night when I realized that I'm sitting on the brink of my period, and I'm not writhing in hormonal DT's. My doc agreed that upping my Crazy Pill for the week prior might help, and well slap me happy--it worked!! Some stupid song on the radio had tears welling up in my eyes for a second, but it passed quickly--and seriously, other than feeling like my tits have been run over by a garbage truck, that's the only thing I've noticed.
...contemplating this miracle of pharmaceuticals...
So in my newfound serenety, I've been contemplating the state of my current relationship. I love Rusty. I mean in the classic schmarmy, schmaltzy, melodramatic, make-you-gag kind of way. I can't imagine where I'd be now without him. I want to marry him. What I want to know is, why am I not already married to him??? The truth is, I have all sorts of reasons, but when I say them out loud, they all seem like such ridiculous little excuses. And maybe you might think my reasons are valid, or understandable, or reasonable, or practical, but the truth is, they fall flat with me when I really contemplate them. I'm not saying my reasons aren't real. But if I weigh all the little reasons against my love and trust in him, marriage wins out easily. So why, WHYYYY can't I just DO it?
Essentially it comes down to me. I keep reminding myself that I'd lost my ability to trust my instincts, and that comes into play here. It occurs to me that we could just run down to the courthouse on Monday and get married. But I don't want it that way. Finding him, being married to him, that's big. It's a big damned deal to me. The kind of big deal that I want to frame and put on the wall and show the world. I'm extremely proud of him, and I want to show him off--but more than that, I want to CELEBRATE the fact that we found each other and have what we have. [Pardon this gushing eruption of disgusting sweetness, I know I sound like a 13 yr old with her first crush, I can't help it.] I don't want to just go to the courthouse and sign a paper. It's a bigger deal than that. I skipped that, for the most part, with my first marriage, and I don't want to skip it again. And dammit, I don't PLAN on getting married again after this. So yes, I want a WEDDING. Why does that make me feel so fucking selfish? I'm not some poofy little princess. I don't need "My Big Day" to have people pamper and spoil me. But I want a wedding. I want my friends and family to see me say "I do" and become his wife, then join us in a loud, boisterous party with at least a few people drinking too much and making fools of themselves singing bad karaoke. I want it to be a big deal.
And that's never going to happen. We live hand to mouth. I make just enough to keep the bills paid. I can't save enough to pay for a wedding--even a cheap one. And even if I could pay for a few nice things, we couldn't afford to take more than a couple of days off of work to do it. And I don't want to be left with that feeling of disappointment that has been so omnipresent in the big events in my life. I don't want to do it "on the cheap" and feel like I got the Trailer Trash Special. And realistically, even if I managed to win the lottery and pay for the exact wedding I wanted, it would end up in disappointment because that's just how it always ends up--someone lets me down... I have so few friends, such unreliable and noncommittal family, I can see inviting a hundred people and having twelve show up. And then the whole scenario turns into a pity party. It's a no-win situation. I want to be married to the man I love, I want it to be official and final. But I don't want it to be cheap and quick and "convenient". What's a girl to do???
...contemplating this miracle of pharmaceuticals...
So in my newfound serenety, I've been contemplating the state of my current relationship. I love Rusty. I mean in the classic schmarmy, schmaltzy, melodramatic, make-you-gag kind of way. I can't imagine where I'd be now without him. I want to marry him. What I want to know is, why am I not already married to him??? The truth is, I have all sorts of reasons, but when I say them out loud, they all seem like such ridiculous little excuses. And maybe you might think my reasons are valid, or understandable, or reasonable, or practical, but the truth is, they fall flat with me when I really contemplate them. I'm not saying my reasons aren't real. But if I weigh all the little reasons against my love and trust in him, marriage wins out easily. So why, WHYYYY can't I just DO it?
Essentially it comes down to me. I keep reminding myself that I'd lost my ability to trust my instincts, and that comes into play here. It occurs to me that we could just run down to the courthouse on Monday and get married. But I don't want it that way. Finding him, being married to him, that's big. It's a big damned deal to me. The kind of big deal that I want to frame and put on the wall and show the world. I'm extremely proud of him, and I want to show him off--but more than that, I want to CELEBRATE the fact that we found each other and have what we have. [Pardon this gushing eruption of disgusting sweetness, I know I sound like a 13 yr old with her first crush, I can't help it.] I don't want to just go to the courthouse and sign a paper. It's a bigger deal than that. I skipped that, for the most part, with my first marriage, and I don't want to skip it again. And dammit, I don't PLAN on getting married again after this. So yes, I want a WEDDING. Why does that make me feel so fucking selfish? I'm not some poofy little princess. I don't need "My Big Day" to have people pamper and spoil me. But I want a wedding. I want my friends and family to see me say "I do" and become his wife, then join us in a loud, boisterous party with at least a few people drinking too much and making fools of themselves singing bad karaoke. I want it to be a big deal.
And that's never going to happen. We live hand to mouth. I make just enough to keep the bills paid. I can't save enough to pay for a wedding--even a cheap one. And even if I could pay for a few nice things, we couldn't afford to take more than a couple of days off of work to do it. And I don't want to be left with that feeling of disappointment that has been so omnipresent in the big events in my life. I don't want to do it "on the cheap" and feel like I got the Trailer Trash Special. And realistically, even if I managed to win the lottery and pay for the exact wedding I wanted, it would end up in disappointment because that's just how it always ends up--someone lets me down... I have so few friends, such unreliable and noncommittal family, I can see inviting a hundred people and having twelve show up. And then the whole scenario turns into a pity party. It's a no-win situation. I want to be married to the man I love, I want it to be official and final. But I don't want it to be cheap and quick and "convenient". What's a girl to do???
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