Monday, July 24, 2006
I'm in such a weird place right now... I feel like I've hit a wall with the business. So much depends on getting a loan, and my credit is circling the drain. Stupid me charged up a few things with the idea that I'd pay it off over the next couple of months. Naturally, shit happens and that didn't get paid off as quickly as I planned, but in the meantime, the card company did a credit review, naturally when my score took a big dip due to my new car loans (the newer accounts really hurt your scores for a few months), and naturally they nearly doubled my interest rate. Now the payment I *was* making is barely paying the interest. I'm going nowhere fast. I also have to come to grips with the fact that I HAVE to find another job. Either a 2nd job or a different, higher paying one. Good luck--as if I haven't already been looking for that for the past year anyway. But now I get to shove my dignity in my back pocket and start applying at factories and fast food joints. I still don't know how that's really going to help. I really think the only way I'm going to manage to make any more money than I already am is to work two jobs working seven days a week, and I *know* that will pretty much kill me.
In the meantime, Rusty is just as stressed, if not more. He tore around here in a fit declaring that he absolutely MUST quit college, that it demands far too much of his time and he can't handle it, and we're running out of money and blahblahblah. He got mad at me later because I didn't act to calm him down. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to calm him down, but apparently it's my job now. When asked, multiple times, what he expects of me in these times of heated temper, he never responds. Even tonight, when I made the point, he merely sat and stared at the TV rather than respond. What the FUCK?
I'm just really tired. I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of all the stress. Money stress. Career stress. Kids stress. Ex stress. Sex stress. Housekeeping stress. I'm just sick of it. And you know, it's times like these that I'm envious of people with faith. I wish I had something like that that could comfort me. In all my years, all a prayer ever got me was silence and emptiness. The most serenity I've ever gotten has come from a bottle from Forest Laboratories. Praying just makes me feel lonely and insignificant, and even less prepared to face my troubles.
So tomorrow it's off to start filling out applications at places I thought I was overeducated for. Probably, they'll agree with me and it'll be a major waste of time. I don't know what other option there is.
In the meantime, Rusty is just as stressed, if not more. He tore around here in a fit declaring that he absolutely MUST quit college, that it demands far too much of his time and he can't handle it, and we're running out of money and blahblahblah. He got mad at me later because I didn't act to calm him down. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to calm him down, but apparently it's my job now. When asked, multiple times, what he expects of me in these times of heated temper, he never responds. Even tonight, when I made the point, he merely sat and stared at the TV rather than respond. What the FUCK?
I'm just really tired. I'm SO FUCKING TIRED of all the stress. Money stress. Career stress. Kids stress. Ex stress. Sex stress. Housekeeping stress. I'm just sick of it. And you know, it's times like these that I'm envious of people with faith. I wish I had something like that that could comfort me. In all my years, all a prayer ever got me was silence and emptiness. The most serenity I've ever gotten has come from a bottle from Forest Laboratories. Praying just makes me feel lonely and insignificant, and even less prepared to face my troubles.
So tomorrow it's off to start filling out applications at places I thought I was overeducated for. Probably, they'll agree with me and it'll be a major waste of time. I don't know what other option there is.
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