Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Here I am, still stuck in a holding pattern. I'm frustrated beyond belief. I applied for new jobs 2 weeks ago, and have been playing phone tag with at least 3 different people ever since then. I called the real estate people about the other spaces near the mall, and after playing phone tag with one guy for a solid week, I learned that he wasn't the guy I needed to talk to, and the guy I did need to speak with had just gone on vacation and won't be back until NEXT week.
Is this some sort of kharma? Am I kharmically constipated? Is there some sort of kharmic Ex-Lax?
Is there something obvious I'm not doing? Really... I need more money, and I need it now. I need to get a REAL career going, and I need it NOW. A supervisor at work said to me last week, "Take this however you want, BUT..." (glancing around for eavesdroppers) "Ann Taylor is coming to the mall, and they're looking for a stockroom supervisor. You should apply."
So I went online and did their online tests--all PERSONALITY tests, of course, which speaks LOWLY of the corporate culture, but there's always hope, right? I still haven't heard from a human, and naturally there were no contact names or numbers for anyone who might be handling it, so now I guess I can start making calls to find that out...
And then I'm left with the ironic whistfulness that one can only feel while writing checks for student loans on two college degrees and simultaneously wishing with all your might that you could get a job that doesn't even require a college degree. And that makes me feel very existential about my Theoretical Coffee Shop. I've sort of morphed this Coffee Shop into the entire meaning of life for me, and if it fails, I am, de facto, a failure. If it ever even sees the light of day, I'm even worse than a failure... sort of a benchwarmer on the last place team. I already have self-esteem issues I'm trying so hard to overcome (hard as hell when your ass has gotten so big you don't fit in 97% of your own clothes), I just can't face failure at this point. I need something--if not a real start, at least HOPE that there is a future for me. I'm trying hard. I had a minor epiphany the other day about how horribly I've been behaving with Rusty, and our mutual misery was self-made. The longer I thought about it, and revisited all the memories of our blooming romance, I felt an enormous sense of regret that I'd let him slip so far away from me. I remember so clearly the rush I'd feel when I'd get in the car and make the drive to see him on my day off. He was more than worth the time and expense, and that hasn't changed, so why do I treat him with such disregard? Because I hate myself, of course, and if I'm so unlovable, then surely someone who would love me with such passion must also be unlovable. Of course that's ridiculous. In truth, in the moments when I can scrape off the concrete shell I keep spreading over myself and look into the deepest parts of my heart and mind, I know with absolute assuredness that I love him and I want him in my life and I fear losing him more than I ever feared losing anyone before. I absolutely worship him. His outer beauty, obviously, but his inner beauty, which is a quiet sort of strength that you just can't describe in words. He is simultaneously both as strong and unmovable as he is compassionate and loving. And I've been so immersed in my own self-hatred that I've been denying him the very few things he needs from me, and pushing him away from me on a daily basis. I feel tremendous guilt. He is having a very hard time at work and with his daughter right now, and I have failed to be the source of support that he deserves. This realization doesn't help my self-esteem, you understand. It's just one more reason to hate myself. But have, at least, had the realization that I will only continue to circle the drain unless I force myself to change. So I've made a larger effort in the past couple of days to express more warmth and love to him, and his natural reaction: "Who are you and what have you done with Sassy?"
*sigh* It's a struggle, but I really am trying. My bootstraps are broken. I'll find something else, eventually. I would just like The Universe to throw me a bone now and then, to keep me motivated. Just a little nudge in the right direction.
Is this some sort of kharma? Am I kharmically constipated? Is there some sort of kharmic Ex-Lax?
Is there something obvious I'm not doing? Really... I need more money, and I need it now. I need to get a REAL career going, and I need it NOW. A supervisor at work said to me last week, "Take this however you want, BUT..." (glancing around for eavesdroppers) "Ann Taylor is coming to the mall, and they're looking for a stockroom supervisor. You should apply."
So I went online and did their online tests--all PERSONALITY tests, of course, which speaks LOWLY of the corporate culture, but there's always hope, right? I still haven't heard from a human, and naturally there were no contact names or numbers for anyone who might be handling it, so now I guess I can start making calls to find that out...
And then I'm left with the ironic whistfulness that one can only feel while writing checks for student loans on two college degrees and simultaneously wishing with all your might that you could get a job that doesn't even require a college degree. And that makes me feel very existential about my Theoretical Coffee Shop. I've sort of morphed this Coffee Shop into the entire meaning of life for me, and if it fails, I am, de facto, a failure. If it ever even sees the light of day, I'm even worse than a failure... sort of a benchwarmer on the last place team. I already have self-esteem issues I'm trying so hard to overcome (hard as hell when your ass has gotten so big you don't fit in 97% of your own clothes), I just can't face failure at this point. I need something--if not a real start, at least HOPE that there is a future for me. I'm trying hard. I had a minor epiphany the other day about how horribly I've been behaving with Rusty, and our mutual misery was self-made. The longer I thought about it, and revisited all the memories of our blooming romance, I felt an enormous sense of regret that I'd let him slip so far away from me. I remember so clearly the rush I'd feel when I'd get in the car and make the drive to see him on my day off. He was more than worth the time and expense, and that hasn't changed, so why do I treat him with such disregard? Because I hate myself, of course, and if I'm so unlovable, then surely someone who would love me with such passion must also be unlovable. Of course that's ridiculous. In truth, in the moments when I can scrape off the concrete shell I keep spreading over myself and look into the deepest parts of my heart and mind, I know with absolute assuredness that I love him and I want him in my life and I fear losing him more than I ever feared losing anyone before. I absolutely worship him. His outer beauty, obviously, but his inner beauty, which is a quiet sort of strength that you just can't describe in words. He is simultaneously both as strong and unmovable as he is compassionate and loving. And I've been so immersed in my own self-hatred that I've been denying him the very few things he needs from me, and pushing him away from me on a daily basis. I feel tremendous guilt. He is having a very hard time at work and with his daughter right now, and I have failed to be the source of support that he deserves. This realization doesn't help my self-esteem, you understand. It's just one more reason to hate myself. But have, at least, had the realization that I will only continue to circle the drain unless I force myself to change. So I've made a larger effort in the past couple of days to express more warmth and love to him, and his natural reaction: "Who are you and what have you done with Sassy?"
*sigh* It's a struggle, but I really am trying. My bootstraps are broken. I'll find something else, eventually. I would just like The Universe to throw me a bone now and then, to keep me motivated. Just a little nudge in the right direction.
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