Saturday, May 22, 2010
Gather 'round chillren, and let me tell you how I earned my Rap Name.
That's right, most of you know me as just plain old Sassy. But you didn't know how Street this Bitch can be, yo. That's right, you can just call me Big Mama Bankstah.
Unnamed Major Retail Outlet (UMRO) must have been having a "Bitch Twice, Get One Free" day, because everyone seemed to have plenty to go 'round. It was about 11:15 when Jesus and Mary Mags came in to cash a check.
Can I pause for a moment here--see, I can honestly say that I knew nothing about banks policies or how the system actually works when you cash a check before I started working here. I don't expect all of my customers to completely understand it, either, so I try to approach each problem case with patience and a clear explanation of what the rules are and what can be done to overcome whatever obstacle there is between their check and their money.
So when I saw Jesus' check was handwritten, I knew I was going to have to double-check a lot of specific things before it would be OK to accept it. Here's the thing, people: hand-written personal checks have a very high rate of chargebacks. Tons of them simply bounce because the person who wrote it to you doesn't keep their account balanced. Not your fault, but still, it'll end up screwing YOU if we don't handle it cautiously. Tons more are outright fraud--stolen, forged, you name it. And if a check is fraudulent in any way, there is nobody on the other end of that account that's going to pay up, and that means the bank loses money. The bank doesn't like to lose money, so the teller who took your check could very well get fired. So cut the teller a break, yo!
But hey, sometimes we give handwritten checks a pass anyway due to one of two things:
a) a low amount (less likely to be fraud, less likely to bounce, and the account owner is more likely to recover from the loss if it WERE charged back); and
b) the account is actually a business account. Lots of small businesses have regular-sized handwritten checks that look just like personal checks. A business is much more likely to pay off a check that was written on their account.
But Jesus' check wasn't from a business account, it was a personal account. And Jesus' check was for $550. Rut-roh, Raggy!
Still, a case could be made to honor this check with a couple more circumstances:
a) Does he have $550 in his account?
Jesus had less than $5 in his account.
b) Does Jesus NORMALLY have about $550 in his account?
Jesus' account averages about $5.
c) Has Jesus been banking with us for a Very Long Time?
Jesus' account has been open less than 30 days.
d) Does Jesus have a Direct Deposit for an amount anywhere near $550?
Jesus has no Direct Deposit.
e) Does Jesus have a "Preferred" class of checking account?
Jesus has Second Chance Checking, the one for folks who have screwed other banks.
and f) do we have images in our database of other checks from this maker? (This might prove the signature is authentic, and the account has a history of similar checks)
No, absolutely nothing is found.
Damn, I've got to tell Jesus I have to put his check on hold. Normally when this is the case, we recommend that the person take the check to the bank it was drawn on--that bank will be able to see instantly if the funds are available and will pay it out at the teller line, no problem. But Jesus' check was from a small town credit union in Florida. I explain all this to Jesus. Jesus is not happy. I remain pleasant and apologetic. "I'm sorry, but if for ANY reason, this check charged back, they would take that amount out of your account, and that would end up hurting YOU. If it goes on hold, we can release the hold after the check has been paid, that way it won't ever come back on you." (About this time both B and S come in for their shifts. B sits down at a nearby computer to clock in.) Jesus explains that he needs the money right away, he can't wait 7 business days. This man pays Jesus to find rare Mustangs for him, and Jesus ships them to him in Florida. Jesus has found a rare Mustang and MUST have these funds to get the Mustang to his Benefactor. He had previously been paid via Western Union, but the fees were too high, so they switched to PayPal. Now PayPal has increased their fees, so Benefactor overnighted a check. (Wait, you can't overnight anything for less than $12, you mean to tell me PayPal charges more than $12 to send $550?) I can see that Jesus had previously been getting sporadic paypal deposits--and that Jesus came and took all the cash out the same day it came in so his balance was never more than a few dollars. In the memo line of the check was some random BS about 19xx Mustang.
Another aside: big personal checks with memos? A scammer's trick. Sort of like the liar who gives way too many details in order to cover up his lie? And plus, "19xx Mustang" is not what a rare collector would write. There was no "Rousch", no "Cobra", no "Shelby", no "Saleen", no production number. Jesus doesn't know my name is currently on a Mustang GT title because her husband is quite fond of "Rare Mustangs".
Can't I call his bank? Jesus wants to know. No, I explain that even if the funds are there today, there's no guarantee they'll still be there by the time the check processes. "Can't you do it electronically, like they do at some retail stores?" No, that is a business product that retailers purchase from their banks, and checks accepted this way still have to make their way from the bank through the Federal Reserve and back to the retailer's bank--banks are not retailers and can't do that. He doesn't budge and is getting angry. He tells me he KNOWS this check is good, because Benefactor works for NASA!!! (Right, but even Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy more than once) He insists that *I*, personally, guaranteed him when he opened his account that "all personal checks" would be accepted "no problem whatsoever". Right, because I say shit like that all the time. I have the vaguest recollection of speaking to this guy, I'm pretty sure I opened his account, but I have no memory of any specific quesitons about personal checks. I'm thinking that perhaps he had a check for $50, or from a business account. But here's another tip, folks: if you need the person behind the counter to do something for you, something they've explained is against the rules, don't resort to impuning their character. It doesn't go over well. Jesus called me a liar. I no longer gave a damn if Jesus got his Mustang Money, and pushed it back across the counter in front of him, and said, "Sorry. I can't help you." Jesus wanted to talk to the manager. The Boss was off that day. I offered to call him, "perhaps" he would give me the OK to accept the check (this happens on the very Rare occassion that The Boss is familiar with the account and the source of the incoming funds and has already made a previous arrangement). So I oblige him. I go to the phone behind the teller line--just far enough away that customers can't easily overhear, which is helped along by standing directly under the television blaring ESPN. I turn my back to the customer and explain to Boss all that I have done and said, and that I know this check has to go on hold, but I'm going through the motions of calling the Manager because Jesus wanted me to. Boss agrees, he'd put that check on hold so fast, it'd be choking for air. I put down the phone, return to Jesus: "I'm sorry, but my manager couldn't approve it either."
Can't we do a wire transfer or something like that? I explain that a wire transfer has to be orignated from the sender's bank, not the receiver's. "That's fine," Jesus explains, he should be able to do that. What information about my account will he need? I write his account number and routing number, and the name of our bank. He nods because he's already on his cell phone to Benefactor. He and Mary Mags leave.
Less than 15 minutes later, B answers the phone. The one side of the conversation I overhear reveals that she is talking about the same check that Jesus and Mary Mags brought in only minutes earlier. She had overheard most of it, so she was reiterating everything I said and glancing at me and rolling her eyes a bit. They wanted to know how long it would be before a wire transfer was made available. B gives her the Ultra-conservative 24 hours. I could tell the conversation was turning hostile, though, as B was struggling to get a word in edgewise. I wrote on a note and passed it to her, basically saying to explain that we make it available as soon as we get it from the other bank, but we can't control how or when the other bank sends it, and some smaller banks may process wires at the end of their business day (i.e., overnight). B explains again. "Ma'am..." Then B gives her the corporate customer service phone number, "and press zero for an operator." OMG, B is talking to Mary Mags?? Mary isn't on Jesus' account! We're not allowed to talk to her about his account. B suddenly sits up on the edge of her chair and spins around toward me and looks at me quite deliberately. I'm trying to write another note about Mary not being on the account, but B hangs up the phone. "She just threatened to kill you."
What?? "Seriously. She was all, 'Sassy is a LYING BITCH! That fucking BITCH told us you would take these checks, and now you won't? Screw you! I'm coming back in there and I'm gonna KILL that fucking lying BITCH!"
Wow.
Before I can even comment, B is dialing Boss's number. B is NOT having it and wants to know what the company policy is for threats like this. Boss says since it was over the phone, there's not much we can do unless she actually shows up again. I don't like that idea.
The phone rings again, I answer. It's Mary Mags, who conveniently ignores the fact that she's speaking to the person she just threatened to kill.
"GIVE ME THE REAL NUMBER!"
"Excuse me?"
"Tell me THE REAL FUCKING CORPORATE NUMBER. That bitch LIED and told me the WRONG NUMBER!"
"I'm sorry, would you read back the number you have?"
[she repeats the number]
"Ma'am, that is the correct number."
"NO IT'S NOT. THAT'S THE AUTOMATED LINE! I NEED TO SPEAK TO A PERSON!!"
"Ma'am, that is the correct number. You have to press Zero to reach a customer service representative."
"I DID. IT DOESN'T WORK! GIVE ME THE REAL FUCKING NUMBER!"
"Ma'am, that IS the correct number. You'll need to try it again."
"BITCH, I TOLD YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK!"
"So you've said. I assure you that it does work when done correctly. None of our other customers have had difficulty pressing Zero."
"WHAT IS YOUR MANAGER'S NAME???"
Boss's name is a Polish name with multiple sylables and impossible to spell correctly by sound alone. I delight in saying his name quickly for her.
"WHAT????????"
I repeat it, "Would you like me to spell it for you?"
She hangs up.
Boss, B and I discuss the fact that Mary's not on the account, and Boss says we can pretty much shut her down if she calls or comes in and tell her that since she's not a customer, we don't have to do anything to help her. Sadly, she doesn't come back in or call again all day.
The next day, however, I spotted the couple walking through UMRO. The didn't stop at the bank, though.
Good thing, though, 'cause I'll cut a bitch.
That's right, most of you know me as just plain old Sassy. But you didn't know how Street this Bitch can be, yo. That's right, you can just call me Big Mama Bankstah.
Unnamed Major Retail Outlet (UMRO) must have been having a "Bitch Twice, Get One Free" day, because everyone seemed to have plenty to go 'round. It was about 11:15 when Jesus and Mary Mags came in to cash a check.
Can I pause for a moment here--see, I can honestly say that I knew nothing about banks policies or how the system actually works when you cash a check before I started working here. I don't expect all of my customers to completely understand it, either, so I try to approach each problem case with patience and a clear explanation of what the rules are and what can be done to overcome whatever obstacle there is between their check and their money.
So when I saw Jesus' check was handwritten, I knew I was going to have to double-check a lot of specific things before it would be OK to accept it. Here's the thing, people: hand-written personal checks have a very high rate of chargebacks. Tons of them simply bounce because the person who wrote it to you doesn't keep their account balanced. Not your fault, but still, it'll end up screwing YOU if we don't handle it cautiously. Tons more are outright fraud--stolen, forged, you name it. And if a check is fraudulent in any way, there is nobody on the other end of that account that's going to pay up, and that means the bank loses money. The bank doesn't like to lose money, so the teller who took your check could very well get fired. So cut the teller a break, yo!
But hey, sometimes we give handwritten checks a pass anyway due to one of two things:
a) a low amount (less likely to be fraud, less likely to bounce, and the account owner is more likely to recover from the loss if it WERE charged back); and
b) the account is actually a business account. Lots of small businesses have regular-sized handwritten checks that look just like personal checks. A business is much more likely to pay off a check that was written on their account.
But Jesus' check wasn't from a business account, it was a personal account. And Jesus' check was for $550. Rut-roh, Raggy!
Still, a case could be made to honor this check with a couple more circumstances:
a) Does he have $550 in his account?
Jesus had less than $5 in his account.
b) Does Jesus NORMALLY have about $550 in his account?
Jesus' account averages about $5.
c) Has Jesus been banking with us for a Very Long Time?
Jesus' account has been open less than 30 days.
d) Does Jesus have a Direct Deposit for an amount anywhere near $550?
Jesus has no Direct Deposit.
e) Does Jesus have a "Preferred" class of checking account?
Jesus has Second Chance Checking, the one for folks who have screwed other banks.
and f) do we have images in our database of other checks from this maker? (This might prove the signature is authentic, and the account has a history of similar checks)
No, absolutely nothing is found.
Damn, I've got to tell Jesus I have to put his check on hold. Normally when this is the case, we recommend that the person take the check to the bank it was drawn on--that bank will be able to see instantly if the funds are available and will pay it out at the teller line, no problem. But Jesus' check was from a small town credit union in Florida. I explain all this to Jesus. Jesus is not happy. I remain pleasant and apologetic. "I'm sorry, but if for ANY reason, this check charged back, they would take that amount out of your account, and that would end up hurting YOU. If it goes on hold, we can release the hold after the check has been paid, that way it won't ever come back on you." (About this time both B and S come in for their shifts. B sits down at a nearby computer to clock in.) Jesus explains that he needs the money right away, he can't wait 7 business days. This man pays Jesus to find rare Mustangs for him, and Jesus ships them to him in Florida. Jesus has found a rare Mustang and MUST have these funds to get the Mustang to his Benefactor. He had previously been paid via Western Union, but the fees were too high, so they switched to PayPal. Now PayPal has increased their fees, so Benefactor overnighted a check. (Wait, you can't overnight anything for less than $12, you mean to tell me PayPal charges more than $12 to send $550?) I can see that Jesus had previously been getting sporadic paypal deposits--and that Jesus came and took all the cash out the same day it came in so his balance was never more than a few dollars. In the memo line of the check was some random BS about 19xx Mustang.
Another aside: big personal checks with memos? A scammer's trick. Sort of like the liar who gives way too many details in order to cover up his lie? And plus, "19xx Mustang" is not what a rare collector would write. There was no "Rousch", no "Cobra", no "Shelby", no "Saleen", no production number. Jesus doesn't know my name is currently on a Mustang GT title because her husband is quite fond of "Rare Mustangs".
Can't I call his bank? Jesus wants to know. No, I explain that even if the funds are there today, there's no guarantee they'll still be there by the time the check processes. "Can't you do it electronically, like they do at some retail stores?" No, that is a business product that retailers purchase from their banks, and checks accepted this way still have to make their way from the bank through the Federal Reserve and back to the retailer's bank--banks are not retailers and can't do that. He doesn't budge and is getting angry. He tells me he KNOWS this check is good, because Benefactor works for NASA!!! (Right, but even Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy more than once) He insists that *I*, personally, guaranteed him when he opened his account that "all personal checks" would be accepted "no problem whatsoever". Right, because I say shit like that all the time. I have the vaguest recollection of speaking to this guy, I'm pretty sure I opened his account, but I have no memory of any specific quesitons about personal checks. I'm thinking that perhaps he had a check for $50, or from a business account. But here's another tip, folks: if you need the person behind the counter to do something for you, something they've explained is against the rules, don't resort to impuning their character. It doesn't go over well. Jesus called me a liar. I no longer gave a damn if Jesus got his Mustang Money, and pushed it back across the counter in front of him, and said, "Sorry. I can't help you." Jesus wanted to talk to the manager. The Boss was off that day. I offered to call him, "perhaps" he would give me the OK to accept the check (this happens on the very Rare occassion that The Boss is familiar with the account and the source of the incoming funds and has already made a previous arrangement). So I oblige him. I go to the phone behind the teller line--just far enough away that customers can't easily overhear, which is helped along by standing directly under the television blaring ESPN. I turn my back to the customer and explain to Boss all that I have done and said, and that I know this check has to go on hold, but I'm going through the motions of calling the Manager because Jesus wanted me to. Boss agrees, he'd put that check on hold so fast, it'd be choking for air. I put down the phone, return to Jesus: "I'm sorry, but my manager couldn't approve it either."
Can't we do a wire transfer or something like that? I explain that a wire transfer has to be orignated from the sender's bank, not the receiver's. "That's fine," Jesus explains, he should be able to do that. What information about my account will he need? I write his account number and routing number, and the name of our bank. He nods because he's already on his cell phone to Benefactor. He and Mary Mags leave.
Less than 15 minutes later, B answers the phone. The one side of the conversation I overhear reveals that she is talking about the same check that Jesus and Mary Mags brought in only minutes earlier. She had overheard most of it, so she was reiterating everything I said and glancing at me and rolling her eyes a bit. They wanted to know how long it would be before a wire transfer was made available. B gives her the Ultra-conservative 24 hours. I could tell the conversation was turning hostile, though, as B was struggling to get a word in edgewise. I wrote on a note and passed it to her, basically saying to explain that we make it available as soon as we get it from the other bank, but we can't control how or when the other bank sends it, and some smaller banks may process wires at the end of their business day (i.e., overnight). B explains again. "Ma'am..." Then B gives her the corporate customer service phone number, "and press zero for an operator." OMG, B is talking to Mary Mags?? Mary isn't on Jesus' account! We're not allowed to talk to her about his account. B suddenly sits up on the edge of her chair and spins around toward me and looks at me quite deliberately. I'm trying to write another note about Mary not being on the account, but B hangs up the phone. "She just threatened to kill you."
What?? "Seriously. She was all, 'Sassy is a LYING BITCH! That fucking BITCH told us you would take these checks, and now you won't? Screw you! I'm coming back in there and I'm gonna KILL that fucking lying BITCH!"
Wow.
Before I can even comment, B is dialing Boss's number. B is NOT having it and wants to know what the company policy is for threats like this. Boss says since it was over the phone, there's not much we can do unless she actually shows up again. I don't like that idea.
The phone rings again, I answer. It's Mary Mags, who conveniently ignores the fact that she's speaking to the person she just threatened to kill.
"GIVE ME THE REAL NUMBER!"
"Excuse me?"
"Tell me THE REAL FUCKING CORPORATE NUMBER. That bitch LIED and told me the WRONG NUMBER!"
"I'm sorry, would you read back the number you have?"
[she repeats the number]
"Ma'am, that is the correct number."
"NO IT'S NOT. THAT'S THE AUTOMATED LINE! I NEED TO SPEAK TO A PERSON!!"
"Ma'am, that is the correct number. You have to press Zero to reach a customer service representative."
"I DID. IT DOESN'T WORK! GIVE ME THE REAL FUCKING NUMBER!"
"Ma'am, that IS the correct number. You'll need to try it again."
"BITCH, I TOLD YOU, IT DOESN'T WORK!"
"So you've said. I assure you that it does work when done correctly. None of our other customers have had difficulty pressing Zero."
"WHAT IS YOUR MANAGER'S NAME???"
Boss's name is a Polish name with multiple sylables and impossible to spell correctly by sound alone. I delight in saying his name quickly for her.
"WHAT????????"
I repeat it, "Would you like me to spell it for you?"
She hangs up.
Boss, B and I discuss the fact that Mary's not on the account, and Boss says we can pretty much shut her down if she calls or comes in and tell her that since she's not a customer, we don't have to do anything to help her. Sadly, she doesn't come back in or call again all day.
The next day, however, I spotted the couple walking through UMRO. The didn't stop at the bank, though.
Good thing, though, 'cause I'll cut a bitch.
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