Monday, February 07, 2011
What a crappy day. Stupid fibro flare up again... I imagine it was triggered by our little snow day adventure where the power went out for about 5 hours---just long enough for the kids to settle into a whiny little panic, while I freaked out everytime someone opened the door or the refrigerator. "PEOPLE! We want to keep the heat in the house and the cold in the fridge--WHY is this so hard to understand??!?!?!!"
Anyway, stress triggers it. So for a few days I had bone-grinding pain again all over, and it's slowly tapered off into a general "uncomfortable" feeling all over coupled with joints that just don't want to be touched. Today I got hit with the classic "Fibro Fog" I'd been reading so much about. It's actually been coming on for a couple of days but just about put me out of commission today. My brain is useless. I have no memory, I have no ability to concentrate. Driving to work this morning, I pulled up to a stoplight, waited for a few seconds and then just drove into the intersection. Luckily no one was coming, and no one was around to see for certain that I'd just blown a red light, but I was halfway through the light before I realized what I'd done and I thought, "WTF am I doing??!!" Total dumbass mistake--where was my head? I never do that kind of shit. Then at work today, thank GOD I didn't have to run a drawer for very long! I could not follow a basic set of tasks from one step to the next without stopping and trying to figure out what I was doing. I opened an account and then started explaining all the disclosures/terms as per our requirement. It's about a 10 minute spiel where we point out every random factoid you might need to know about how your account works, all "condensed" into about 18 pages. I have the whole thing memorized to the letter. And I would turn the page, highlight the passage I was about to explain and then stutter and stammer until I could think of the word I was going to use. I sounded like a right-fucking idiot. I cooked my lunch in the microwave, pulled it out, stirred it up and actually, thought, "Man, that's super-hot, I need to let it cool down before I eat it." then sat down, adjusted my napkin and took a big freaking bite, burning my tongue to bits.
I just fucking give up. It's not like I already feel like crap about myself--this stupid "disease" makes me feel like an 80 year old alzheimer's patient, everything I do hurts, I've gained a ton of weight and I can't hardly stand to look myself in the mirror. When I come home I just want to go lock myself in a closet until everyone goes away. I don't want to talk to anyone (why bother, I won't remember it an hour later anyway). I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to DO anything (it fucking hurts anyway). All I want to do is sleep, and I can't do that because EVERYTHING HURTS. Fuck.
Anyway, stress triggers it. So for a few days I had bone-grinding pain again all over, and it's slowly tapered off into a general "uncomfortable" feeling all over coupled with joints that just don't want to be touched. Today I got hit with the classic "Fibro Fog" I'd been reading so much about. It's actually been coming on for a couple of days but just about put me out of commission today. My brain is useless. I have no memory, I have no ability to concentrate. Driving to work this morning, I pulled up to a stoplight, waited for a few seconds and then just drove into the intersection. Luckily no one was coming, and no one was around to see for certain that I'd just blown a red light, but I was halfway through the light before I realized what I'd done and I thought, "WTF am I doing??!!" Total dumbass mistake--where was my head? I never do that kind of shit. Then at work today, thank GOD I didn't have to run a drawer for very long! I could not follow a basic set of tasks from one step to the next without stopping and trying to figure out what I was doing. I opened an account and then started explaining all the disclosures/terms as per our requirement. It's about a 10 minute spiel where we point out every random factoid you might need to know about how your account works, all "condensed" into about 18 pages. I have the whole thing memorized to the letter. And I would turn the page, highlight the passage I was about to explain and then stutter and stammer until I could think of the word I was going to use. I sounded like a right-fucking idiot. I cooked my lunch in the microwave, pulled it out, stirred it up and actually, thought, "Man, that's super-hot, I need to let it cool down before I eat it." then sat down, adjusted my napkin and took a big freaking bite, burning my tongue to bits.
I just fucking give up. It's not like I already feel like crap about myself--this stupid "disease" makes me feel like an 80 year old alzheimer's patient, everything I do hurts, I've gained a ton of weight and I can't hardly stand to look myself in the mirror. When I come home I just want to go lock myself in a closet until everyone goes away. I don't want to talk to anyone (why bother, I won't remember it an hour later anyway). I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to DO anything (it fucking hurts anyway). All I want to do is sleep, and I can't do that because EVERYTHING HURTS. Fuck.
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