Tuesday, July 19, 2011
So these past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster. This past Monday, I decided to go ahead and take the prescription to induce miscarriage. After all the bleeding I'd done on the outset, I thought for sure it'd finish on it's own, but no, it just shut down completely and seemed content to stay right where it was. I knew the longer it was there, the greater the chance I'd need surgery, and I sure as FUCK didn't want to go that route! I was really scared about the drug, though--first of all, as if I don't have enough chemical intervention? But both doctors I saw about it made it sound like it was certain to be very painful--the very first thing they checked was to make sure I'd gotten a script for Vicodin before they even wrote the Cytotec script. They said it'd take anywhere from 12-48 hours to complete. Such a wide window made it hard to plan when to take it... I had a day off on Monday and another day off on Wednesday this week, and contemplated how to time it so I could work on Tuesday and be resting when the worst of it hit me on Wednesday. But clearly there was no way of planning that! As Monday progressed, I realized I'd come down with that nasty cold that they're passing around at work and I just gave in--I took the first pill Monday night and called in sick for Tuesday. I immediately felt guilty, of course, because I felt like surely I ought to go to work on Tuesday--maybe I should go and then go home if I start cramping too bad.
As it turns out, I'm glad I didn't listen to my guilty conscience. I woke on Tuesday morning very groggy but otherwise normal. Some mild cramps woke me up, but nothing worthy of popping a Vicodin. I'd gone to bed without any underwear (TMI, I know), and started thinking about getting up to get a pad for when the bleeding started. I drifted off to sleep instead. When some more mild cramping woke me up again about twenty minutes later, I knew I'd better force myself out of bed or I'd end up ruining the sheets, but I felt so tired--neither doctor had warned me that Cytotec was a sedative, and there are no warnings to that effect, but I definitely felt sedated! I realized as I laid there that I'd probably started bleeding, and any sort of bending or tightening of my abdominal muscles would cause an accident, so I carefully peeled back the sheets and gingerly rolled to the edge of the bed, trying to get my feet on the floor and the Lady Bits away from the sheets before I tightened my abs. Not 100% success, but not a bad effort, I thought, as I got about 90% upright and then--SPLAT.
No, seriously, SPLAT. It's like my whole goddamned uterus fell out. I didn't feel a thing--except all the blood running down my legs that just WOULD NOT STOP. It was like the scene from Carrie!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Six steps from the toilet, and easily a quart or more of blood and tissue on the floor. And my head was still so damned woozy. I was glad I hadn't ruined the sheets, but FUCK.
All I could think of as I stood there horrified: Jesus, what if I hadn't known this was coming???
Seriously--the only reason I figured out I was pregnant in the first place was I noticed that DD had gotten HER period a 2nd time since my last one and I realized I was late (I don't keep a calendar of these things, but I'm usually pretty darned "regular"). Not a week later I started bleeding--if I hadn't taken pregnancy tests, any NORMAL woman would have just assumed it was a late period. So then--who knows WHEN it'd have happened without the Cytotec, but one day you wake up and this ~horror scene~ falls out of your uterus?? Jesus, I'd have been traumatized for LIFE. Or even worse--if I hadn't had an ultrasound, and I didn't know that there was no baby, just an empty egg sac--SPLAT. Holy Jesus, cleaning that up would have put me in the loony bin.
All in all, yes, it was very rattling, but I was comforted that having the foreknowledge that it was coming. However, I do wish I'd really understood better what was about to happen. In my mind, I thought it'd be a pretty heavy period with some bad cramping--which is why I felt that I SHOULD have gone to work. Well, thank GOD I didn't go to work, because if that had happened at work, it would have been truly, life-changingly traumatic. I mean, there is no maxi-pad, no adult DIAPER that would have contained that. It would have been painfully obvious to EVERYONE exactly what was happening; it would have been humiliating! "Here's some money, go buy me some pants!" Geez.
I spent the rest of the day feeling like a squashed bug, no energy--I could have easily slept another 4 or 5 hours, but I forced myself to stay up just to stay on my regular schedule. I'd been sucking down the Zicam to battle the cold, and I think it worked. Hopefully tomorrow will be a clean slate, and I can start feeling normal again!
As it turns out, I'm glad I didn't listen to my guilty conscience. I woke on Tuesday morning very groggy but otherwise normal. Some mild cramps woke me up, but nothing worthy of popping a Vicodin. I'd gone to bed without any underwear (TMI, I know), and started thinking about getting up to get a pad for when the bleeding started. I drifted off to sleep instead. When some more mild cramping woke me up again about twenty minutes later, I knew I'd better force myself out of bed or I'd end up ruining the sheets, but I felt so tired--neither doctor had warned me that Cytotec was a sedative, and there are no warnings to that effect, but I definitely felt sedated! I realized as I laid there that I'd probably started bleeding, and any sort of bending or tightening of my abdominal muscles would cause an accident, so I carefully peeled back the sheets and gingerly rolled to the edge of the bed, trying to get my feet on the floor and the Lady Bits away from the sheets before I tightened my abs. Not 100% success, but not a bad effort, I thought, as I got about 90% upright and then--SPLAT.
No, seriously, SPLAT. It's like my whole goddamned uterus fell out. I didn't feel a thing--except all the blood running down my legs that just WOULD NOT STOP. It was like the scene from Carrie!
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Six steps from the toilet, and easily a quart or more of blood and tissue on the floor. And my head was still so damned woozy. I was glad I hadn't ruined the sheets, but FUCK.
All I could think of as I stood there horrified: Jesus, what if I hadn't known this was coming???
Seriously--the only reason I figured out I was pregnant in the first place was I noticed that DD had gotten HER period a 2nd time since my last one and I realized I was late (I don't keep a calendar of these things, but I'm usually pretty darned "regular"). Not a week later I started bleeding--if I hadn't taken pregnancy tests, any NORMAL woman would have just assumed it was a late period. So then--who knows WHEN it'd have happened without the Cytotec, but one day you wake up and this ~horror scene~ falls out of your uterus?? Jesus, I'd have been traumatized for LIFE. Or even worse--if I hadn't had an ultrasound, and I didn't know that there was no baby, just an empty egg sac--SPLAT. Holy Jesus, cleaning that up would have put me in the loony bin.
All in all, yes, it was very rattling, but I was comforted that having the foreknowledge that it was coming. However, I do wish I'd really understood better what was about to happen. In my mind, I thought it'd be a pretty heavy period with some bad cramping--which is why I felt that I SHOULD have gone to work. Well, thank GOD I didn't go to work, because if that had happened at work, it would have been truly, life-changingly traumatic. I mean, there is no maxi-pad, no adult DIAPER that would have contained that. It would have been painfully obvious to EVERYONE exactly what was happening; it would have been humiliating! "Here's some money, go buy me some pants!" Geez.
I spent the rest of the day feeling like a squashed bug, no energy--I could have easily slept another 4 or 5 hours, but I forced myself to stay up just to stay on my regular schedule. I'd been sucking down the Zicam to battle the cold, and I think it worked. Hopefully tomorrow will be a clean slate, and I can start feeling normal again!
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