Tuesday, September 06, 2011
I'm bound to clean up when I get to the nursing home!
I can't say I don't have fans at work. I have fans. They're all the "Dinner-at-4:30, Breetches-Up-To-Your-Armpits, and Reminisce-About-The-Korean-War" kind of guys, but I have fans. My latest fan brought me a gift this weekend. He's retired enlisted Army, you know, and apparently very knowledgeable about just about any subject that comes to mind and more than willing to tell you allthefuck about it... Take Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino, add hair, dye it black (no, DYE it black), and make him about 20x more talkative, that that's GI Joe. And Mr. Joe wanted ME to open his account for him. Not one of the guys, me. Because you can't trust the guys with your personal stuff. Women run things better. Of course we do. I endured about 35 minutes of vaguely racist, misogynistic "in my day" rantings while I desperately tried to get a word in edgewise to complete the deal, during which, he asked me what my favorite color was. Red? Well, he's not sure if he's got a red one, he'll have to see what he's got left, but he has a gift for me--something he gives to all his Women Friends--for my self protection. The next day he brought it in: a pocket knife. A very fucking sharp, sturdy three-inch serrated blade pocketknife with a chain to add it to my keychain. He instructed me on it's use, too. Apparently, a swift, upward jab just below the ribcage is the way to go if I'm ever attacked in the parking lot.
But the entertainment never stops, people. This morning, S-hole, D-Rod and I were all sitting at our respective computers, killing time talking about food, when Bilbo Saucedalot comes staggering in. Note: it's no later than 10:30 am, and he's clearly drunk. We recognize this immediately because he's already got the reputation for calling in for his balance too drunk to speak clearly and coming in smelling like a barroom floor. Bilbo glances at us sitting at our desks, and notices that S-hole's and D-Rod's computer monitors face inward, toward each other--sort of like surround sound speakers would be nested behind you. "It looks like you guys are watching PORNO in STEREO!!" Both guys are instantly frozen like dear-in-the-headlights. After all, it's been how long since Boss had to talk with them about professional behavior and appropriate vs. inappropriate conversations in the workplace? D-Rod couldn't let it pass--"What??" Bilbo went on to explain his perception that the monitors face inward, and perhaps both men could watch both screens at the same time (their desks are attached, so they are sitting about 3 feet from one another), and naturally what do all men look at on any random computer? He turned and faced the rest of the store and shouted at the top of his lungs, "SURROUND PORNO!!!!" Neither guy could hold it in--they both exploded into fits of laughter for a few seconds before reeling it in and gathering their wits. Bilbo sat down, but appeared to have nothing more to say. I suspect in an effort to prevent further musings by our guest, S-hole returned to our original subject, completing the thought he had begun before Bilbo interrupted us. I interjected a comment about a recent article I'd read saying that they're considering adding picky eating to the DSM, arguing that it's a form of OCD. D-Rod joined in, mentioning that he has some very "OCD tendencies". Bilbo decided to join the conversation. "What do you obsess about?" "Oh whatever, you know--it depends on what I'm doing. But I can just latch onto something and absolutely obsess about it for a long time to where it's almost the only thing I think about." "Sex?" Poor D-Rod walked right into that one. He froze again then said, "No. Well, I c--no." Naturally, this was their cue--both guys got up and walked to the teller line to escape the minefield of trouble that was a-brewing. Leaving me, of COURSE, to ask Bilbo if he needed a banking transaction done or was he just visiting today?
This event heavy on my mind, I realized I still need to get the fuck out of this job. No, no, I like my job (in spite of my fanbase). And I like the company--I need to get promoted and stop spinning my wheels! I remembered Boss mentioning a couple of days ago that the BM that they'd hired for the Candyland branch "didn't work out", and from all I could tell, they still hadn't filled the position. Of course it's not listed on the career board anymore, and my application for it is listed as "No longer under consideration", but everywhere else, the branch's manager's name is left blank, as recently as last week. So I emailed VP. You can't expect to get what you don't ask for, right? Basically, I said it looked like the candidate they had didn't work out, and if that's the case, I hope she'll reconsider me; I noticed that the branch's numbers have all taken a hit over the past couple of months, and she must be really overwhelmed trying to keep that branch together without a manager there (and she has one other branch in the same boat in her region), and that if there was anything I could do to help her keep things running smoothly over there to please let me know, I'd be glad to help out... I mean, I couldn't just sit on my hands, right?
But the entertainment never stops, people. This morning, S-hole, D-Rod and I were all sitting at our respective computers, killing time talking about food, when Bilbo Saucedalot comes staggering in. Note: it's no later than 10:30 am, and he's clearly drunk. We recognize this immediately because he's already got the reputation for calling in for his balance too drunk to speak clearly and coming in smelling like a barroom floor. Bilbo glances at us sitting at our desks, and notices that S-hole's and D-Rod's computer monitors face inward, toward each other--sort of like surround sound speakers would be nested behind you. "It looks like you guys are watching PORNO in STEREO!!" Both guys are instantly frozen like dear-in-the-headlights. After all, it's been how long since Boss had to talk with them about professional behavior and appropriate vs. inappropriate conversations in the workplace? D-Rod couldn't let it pass--"What??" Bilbo went on to explain his perception that the monitors face inward, and perhaps both men could watch both screens at the same time (their desks are attached, so they are sitting about 3 feet from one another), and naturally what do all men look at on any random computer? He turned and faced the rest of the store and shouted at the top of his lungs, "SURROUND PORNO!!!!" Neither guy could hold it in--they both exploded into fits of laughter for a few seconds before reeling it in and gathering their wits. Bilbo sat down, but appeared to have nothing more to say. I suspect in an effort to prevent further musings by our guest, S-hole returned to our original subject, completing the thought he had begun before Bilbo interrupted us. I interjected a comment about a recent article I'd read saying that they're considering adding picky eating to the DSM, arguing that it's a form of OCD. D-Rod joined in, mentioning that he has some very "OCD tendencies". Bilbo decided to join the conversation. "What do you obsess about?" "Oh whatever, you know--it depends on what I'm doing. But I can just latch onto something and absolutely obsess about it for a long time to where it's almost the only thing I think about." "Sex?" Poor D-Rod walked right into that one. He froze again then said, "No. Well, I c--no." Naturally, this was their cue--both guys got up and walked to the teller line to escape the minefield of trouble that was a-brewing. Leaving me, of COURSE, to ask Bilbo if he needed a banking transaction done or was he just visiting today?
This event heavy on my mind, I realized I still need to get the fuck out of this job. No, no, I like my job (in spite of my fanbase). And I like the company--I need to get promoted and stop spinning my wheels! I remembered Boss mentioning a couple of days ago that the BM that they'd hired for the Candyland branch "didn't work out", and from all I could tell, they still hadn't filled the position. Of course it's not listed on the career board anymore, and my application for it is listed as "No longer under consideration", but everywhere else, the branch's manager's name is left blank, as recently as last week. So I emailed VP. You can't expect to get what you don't ask for, right? Basically, I said it looked like the candidate they had didn't work out, and if that's the case, I hope she'll reconsider me; I noticed that the branch's numbers have all taken a hit over the past couple of months, and she must be really overwhelmed trying to keep that branch together without a manager there (and she has one other branch in the same boat in her region), and that if there was anything I could do to help her keep things running smoothly over there to please let me know, I'd be glad to help out... I mean, I couldn't just sit on my hands, right?
