Saturday, November 05, 2011
Yes, Armageddon it.
Ah Mr. Joe, of the Aged GI, knife-giving variety from Septemberish? Yes, he's back with a vengeance this week. A couple of days ago, he wandered in just as I was sitting down at the front desk (jacket on, purse in hand, trying to clock in for the day).
Mr. Joe had decided it was time to tell me a few things. A few things you, my friends, need to know about. Were you aware, for example (who am I kidding, everybody knows) that the Russian and US governments both have satellites above the earth--that are solar powered, mind you--that operate lasers. Lasers that have the power to control your mind. Every human on earth is controlled by those lasers. OK, not every human. There is a small percentage--around 5%, you see,--that are strong-minded enough to fight off the control of the lasers. Did you see a news story about a policeman or a firefighter doing something heroic? I'm sorry to tell you, but that wasn't in that person's natural character. They were being controlled by the lasers. It's easy to be brave when you're controlled by the satellite lasers. The solar satellite lasers.
Mr. Joe could trust me with this information, because he could tell that I am one of the 5%. [Fuck the 99%, right?] See, I'm much more genuinely nice than the other people around here. The guys I work with? Well, J is OK, but the rest of them are all homosexuals. Sodomites. They can't help it, it's the lasers.
Anyway, did you know that Armageddon actually already started? That's right, we're living in the End Times. It started the day that JFK was murdered: November 22, 1963. Every president we've had since then has been controlled by the lasers. Now you may suspect, but you would be wrong, that some of those presidents have also been sodomites. But that's really the only thing they're not guilty of. No, their biggest crime is that they are all mental wimps. Ronald Wilson Reagan: 6 6 6. Not a coincidence. Jimmy Carter: J C: Jesus Christ: also not a coincidence. Lasers. But don't be fooled, you massive herd of smelly sheep: religious leaders do not have the answer. They, too, are controlled by lasers. They are ALL lying to you.
You should also know, just to bolster Mr. Joe's credentials: he comes from the toughest town in this whole country. A town that fell to the blacks. That would be Gary, Indiana. Now, don't misunderstand: Mr. Joe is not a racist. He likes them all just fine if they were raised right. In fact, back in the day, when he was in the service, all the hillbillies used to call him "Niggerlover" because he got on so well with the blacks in his unit. He would occasionally stop his lecture to surreptitiously wipe his goatee and ask quietly, "Am I drooling? You see, I'm on medication... anyway:"
Now finally, folks, you need to know that when the End of Days finally arrives, and the planet is engulfed in flame, the Anti-Christ will move all of his people to Jupiter. Now, they used to think it was the moon that was our final destination, but they've discovered that there is air on Jupiter, so that's where we're all headed (the 5%, that is).
It's about at this time that I was rescued. Rescued by request--you see, while I was taking in this lecture, I'd logged into my email and sent a message to everyone in the branch: "SUBJECT: OMG; MESSAGE: SAVE ME!!" A couple of minutes later, J emerged from the back room and said he needed my keys in the vault. I promptly excused myself to assist.
Of course today Mr. Joe returned. We were handing out slices of cake. He grabbed a piece and headed my way.
Hooray!
Now here's the part that actually weirds me out: yesterday, a dentist appointment that I thought would be a simple cleaning turned into an S&M session drilling out on old filling and preparing it for a new crown. I was MISERABLE all day yesterday, first chewing on the right side of my tongue because I couldn't feel it, then biting it over and over again because I couldn't control it well enough, and then flinching in pain every time I tried to speak after the pain killers wore off. So when Mr. Joe opened his conversation with the pronouncement that he was happy to have something soft to eat, I wasn't thinking about our previous conversation, I was thinking about my trip to the dentist. He said he had a partial (i.e: denture) that was out being worked on, and it was difficult to eat anything very hard at the moment. I could appreciate that. But then he had to remind me: when we're all moved to Jupiter, there won't be any need for dentures or false teeth--we can all have implants. And not the kind that have to be attached to a bone, but just float in your gums. Because the lasers will hold them in place.
Throughout this conversation, he maintained a massive load of white and green frosting in his moustache. I wonder why the lasers didn't fix that.
Mr. Joe had decided it was time to tell me a few things. A few things you, my friends, need to know about. Were you aware, for example (who am I kidding, everybody knows) that the Russian and US governments both have satellites above the earth--that are solar powered, mind you--that operate lasers. Lasers that have the power to control your mind. Every human on earth is controlled by those lasers. OK, not every human. There is a small percentage--around 5%, you see,--that are strong-minded enough to fight off the control of the lasers. Did you see a news story about a policeman or a firefighter doing something heroic? I'm sorry to tell you, but that wasn't in that person's natural character. They were being controlled by the lasers. It's easy to be brave when you're controlled by the satellite lasers. The solar satellite lasers.
Mr. Joe could trust me with this information, because he could tell that I am one of the 5%. [Fuck the 99%, right?] See, I'm much more genuinely nice than the other people around here. The guys I work with? Well, J is OK, but the rest of them are all homosexuals. Sodomites. They can't help it, it's the lasers.
Anyway, did you know that Armageddon actually already started? That's right, we're living in the End Times. It started the day that JFK was murdered: November 22, 1963. Every president we've had since then has been controlled by the lasers. Now you may suspect, but you would be wrong, that some of those presidents have also been sodomites. But that's really the only thing they're not guilty of. No, their biggest crime is that they are all mental wimps. Ronald Wilson Reagan: 6 6 6. Not a coincidence. Jimmy Carter: J C: Jesus Christ: also not a coincidence. Lasers. But don't be fooled, you massive herd of smelly sheep: religious leaders do not have the answer. They, too, are controlled by lasers. They are ALL lying to you.
You should also know, just to bolster Mr. Joe's credentials: he comes from the toughest town in this whole country. A town that fell to the blacks. That would be Gary, Indiana. Now, don't misunderstand: Mr. Joe is not a racist. He likes them all just fine if they were raised right. In fact, back in the day, when he was in the service, all the hillbillies used to call him "Niggerlover" because he got on so well with the blacks in his unit. He would occasionally stop his lecture to surreptitiously wipe his goatee and ask quietly, "Am I drooling? You see, I'm on medication... anyway:"
Now finally, folks, you need to know that when the End of Days finally arrives, and the planet is engulfed in flame, the Anti-Christ will move all of his people to Jupiter. Now, they used to think it was the moon that was our final destination, but they've discovered that there is air on Jupiter, so that's where we're all headed (the 5%, that is).
It's about at this time that I was rescued. Rescued by request--you see, while I was taking in this lecture, I'd logged into my email and sent a message to everyone in the branch: "SUBJECT: OMG; MESSAGE: SAVE ME!!" A couple of minutes later, J emerged from the back room and said he needed my keys in the vault. I promptly excused myself to assist.
Of course today Mr. Joe returned. We were handing out slices of cake. He grabbed a piece and headed my way.
Hooray!
Now here's the part that actually weirds me out: yesterday, a dentist appointment that I thought would be a simple cleaning turned into an S&M session drilling out on old filling and preparing it for a new crown. I was MISERABLE all day yesterday, first chewing on the right side of my tongue because I couldn't feel it, then biting it over and over again because I couldn't control it well enough, and then flinching in pain every time I tried to speak after the pain killers wore off. So when Mr. Joe opened his conversation with the pronouncement that he was happy to have something soft to eat, I wasn't thinking about our previous conversation, I was thinking about my trip to the dentist. He said he had a partial (i.e: denture) that was out being worked on, and it was difficult to eat anything very hard at the moment. I could appreciate that. But then he had to remind me: when we're all moved to Jupiter, there won't be any need for dentures or false teeth--we can all have implants. And not the kind that have to be attached to a bone, but just float in your gums. Because the lasers will hold them in place.
Throughout this conversation, he maintained a massive load of white and green frosting in his moustache. I wonder why the lasers didn't fix that.
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