Thursday, July 26, 2012
So damned tired
The bank called this evening to tell me they're turning me down for the loan. I need to have 100% collateral. Even with the SBA.
I'm just so damned tired of everything failing. I'm forty-three fucking years old and I live like I'm 20. Rental house, old car, now no job--and nobody will take my applications seriously, so basically I'm back at square one, competing with high school dropouts for retail jobs. Why the fuck do I try doing anything? There's no way out of this fucking hell. Everything I try to do to get ahead fails, it doesn't matter if I play by the rules, nobody else does. Why didn't I just start selling drugs in college and give up trying to make anything of myself? I wouldn't be any better off today if I had; a lot less student loan debt, though. I hate my fucking life. I'd blow my fucking brains out, but I know I'd fail at that, too and end up a pathetic vegetable.
I'm just so damned tired of everything failing. I'm forty-three fucking years old and I live like I'm 20. Rental house, old car, now no job--and nobody will take my applications seriously, so basically I'm back at square one, competing with high school dropouts for retail jobs. Why the fuck do I try doing anything? There's no way out of this fucking hell. Everything I try to do to get ahead fails, it doesn't matter if I play by the rules, nobody else does. Why didn't I just start selling drugs in college and give up trying to make anything of myself? I wouldn't be any better off today if I had; a lot less student loan debt, though. I hate my fucking life. I'd blow my fucking brains out, but I know I'd fail at that, too and end up a pathetic vegetable.
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