Sassy's Up Late Again

My attitude is in the toilet. I can't help it, I feel like I'm being tortured. I have had exactly 2 days off during the entire month of November, and this is a job that is already too physically taxing for my "condition", undiagnosed as it is. The neurosurgeon isn't convinced that my neck fusion/bone spurs have anything to do with the excruciating foot and leg pain that I get after standing for an hour or so. My arms and legs randomly go numb. My feet just throb and crackle. I spoke with my mom, and she has neuropathy in her legs, as does her brother and his son. Her description sounds like a more advanced version of what I'm dealing with. Neuropathy? I mean WHY??? So I have an MRI scheduled tomorrow, and she wants to consult with a neurologist before making any decisions. Although, she did say I don't need surgery on my neck just yet, but that eventually arthritis will make it necessary.

I wake up in pain, I trudge through the day in pain (and barely function, and as a result am doing horribly at my job), I go to bed in pain. I feel like I total failure. I know the pain is wearing on me and causing this, but I'm stuck in this cycle of thinking about how much better my life was supposed to be than this, and here I am in a crap job with a ton of debt and having failed over and over and over again trying to make something of myself. And then last night after I picked up the kids from Shitfoot, they informed me that their dad is house-hunting because his dad is going to help him fix up his house and buy a new one. The guy who was too busy drinking while we were married to try to buy a home is now on his 2nd while I barely make ends meet in yet another rented house. Just fucking shoot me.